Hey everyone,

I recieved an email the other day saying that at my university there is a..publication of sorts, that will include student-submitted bilingual works of poetry or prose. Since my Japanese is still horrible and my French is no better, and because I want to endorse and advocate Esperanto as much as I possibly can, I decided to attempt to write a poem in English and translate it to Esperanto (you must submit both translations). So, if anyone would be kind enough to help with with the translation, it would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance!!

Here is the English version:

Swarm Theory

The new sheep
was brought into
the old herd
confused
it looked
around
as if something
was
out of place
or disorderly
plain not right.
“Excuse me, but
why is everyone
so awry?”
it asked another
“Why, what do you
mean?
This is the way
we've always done things;
you must be new here –
and to that
I say
Welcome!
Welcome
Welcome to the greatest
herd
in the world.
That
over there,
he is our leader,
the greatest leader
For the greatest herd.”
Replied the other –
“The best?
The best
you say
he's the best?
But why?
What makes him
so?
And
This herd –
it doesn't look
better than
my old one –
why is this one
the greatest?”
The new one
asked in wonder.
“I'm not sure
what you mean
to suggest that he isn't
the best?
Why –
look at him!
He moves us
with his speeches –
Listen!”
So they listened.
After a while,
The new sheep turned,
“He doesn't seem to
be saying much –
he sounds enthusiastic
but he talks
without saying anything.”
“Appalled!
I'm appalled!
He is a great speaker!
He is a great sheep!
A great leader!
And a great herd
are we!”
The new sheep retorted
“No
no
no!
This is all
wrong
there is something
terribly wrong
with these sheep
with this herd.
You all
just don't
see it.”
“No! Listen more!”
So the new sheep
listened
and listened more
And the new sheep
Turned
and said
“You're right.”

And the Esperanto version:

La nova ŝafo
alportis
la malnova gregon
konfuzis
ĝi rigardis
ĉirkaŭ
kvazaŭ io
estis
eisde loko
aŭ malbonorda
malkorekta.
"Pordonu, sed
kial estas ĉies
malrekta?"
Ĝi petis alia
"Kial, kio vi
signifi? Ĉi tiu
la maniero
ni havis ĉiam faris aĵoj;
vi devis
nova ĉi tie -
kaj al tio
mi diras
Bonvenon!
Bonvenon!
Bonvenon al
la grandega
grego
en la mondo.
Ĉi tio
tie
li estas nia
gvidanto
la grandega gvidanto
por la grandega grego."
Respondis la alia. -
"La grandega?
La grandega
vi parolis
li estas grandega?
Sed kial?
Kio fari li
ĉi tiu?
Kaj
ĉi tiu grego -
ĝi malaspektas
pli bona ol
mia malnova grego -
kial estas ĉi tiu grego
la grandega?"
la nova ŝafo
demandis en mira.
"Mi ne estas certa
kio vi signifas
sugestii li ne estas
grandega?
Kial -
rigardu!
Li emocii nin
kun lia paroloj -
aŭskultu!"
Oni aŭskultis
postiom da tempo
la nova ŝafo turnis,
"Li ne ŝajnas
parolas multa 0
li sonas entuziasma
sed li paroli
sen paroli io."
"Terura!
Certe terura!
Li estas grandega parolisto!
Li estas granda ŝafo!
Granda gvidanto!
Kaj granda grego!"
La nova ŝafo replikis:
"Ne
ne
ne!
Ti ĉiu tute
malkorekte
Estas io
terure malkorekte
kun ĉi tiuj ŝafoj
kun ĉi tiu grego
viaj
simple
ne vidu ĝi"
"Ne! Auskultu plu"
Do, la nova ŝafo
aŭskulti
kaj aŭskulti plu
kaj la nova ŝafo
Turnis
kaj parolis:
"Vi estas korekta."

I suppose there's no "spoiler" where you can sort of "minimize" or collapose the quote box, so I apologize for the length.

You make some recurring errors, so I'm going to give you some hints on where you went wrong. Take a look at my suggestions, reread your translation, and try to see how many of the errors you can clean up, then post a new version.

You seem to have some trouble with passive forms.

For example, "La nova ŝafo alportis la malnovan gregon" means "The new sheep brought the old herd"

(the word "grego", FYI, is quite rare, I had to look it up; I would say herdo or ŝafaro)

It doesn't mean that the new sheep WAS brought. that would be "La nova ŝafo portiĝis al la malnova herdo/ŝafaro", or "La nova ŝafo estis portita ..."

alportiĝis/estis alportita also works.

Any time you have a form like "was ...-ed", the grammatical forms will probably be one of what I had above; you mostly have them as simple active voice verbs, which makes the meaning completely different (the difference between "to bring" and "to be brought" is significant, right?)

You have some typos, at least two in the first third or quarter of the poem.

-es correlatives are possessive. "Ies" = someone's, "ĉies" = everyone's, etc. They all indicate possession, so use them only if you're talking about possession.

I-verbs shouldn't have a subject. We say "I go", and not "I to go", right? -i forms are the most neutral form of a verb; they have no tense and no subject, just like "to ..." in English.

-eg- is not a comparative suffix. It means "very ___", and not ___-er or ___-est.

You sometimes left out a word, an "esti" or a "ke" or an "al". In English we can sometimes leave out "that" (she thinks I'm nice / she thinks that I'm nice) but in Esperanto, you can't. Also in English, we often do an indirect object without a preposition, but in English, you usually can't (I asked him - In Esperanto, it has to be "I asked to him"; Give me a minute - in Esperanto, it would normally have to be "Give to me a minute")

Don't forget agreement of grammatical endings when an adjective describes a noun.
bruna hundo
brunaj hundoj
brunajn hundojn
brunan hundon

The hints don't cover all of the errors. But take a super careful look again, with special attention to those things, and post up a new version. Maybe you could forget about doing the line breaks, to reduce the length of the message, just to make it easier to proofread, then add the line breaks back in at the end, after the language is correct.

Congratulations for a good first try. It's really hard to get everything right on the first (or even second or third) try, but you've chosen an excellent way to learn.

erinja:(the word "grego", FYI, is quite rare, I had to look it up; I would say herdo or ŝafaro)

X-aro is certainly a good option. But I'm not sure that 'grego' is such a rare word:

(Wells) herd = (brut-, ŝaf-)aro, grego; paŝti
(ReVo) grego = Brutaro aŭ alia grupo de bredataj bestoj
(Vortaro.net) grego = Aro da samspeciaj bestoj kune vivantaj

Vortaro.net also includes 'herdo', but ReVo and Wells make no mention of this word. Kondratjev includes both words.

I certainly remember coming across uses of 'grego'. In fact, I seem to remember looking up this word when reading the comments in Libera Folio recently.

Yes grego is not rare judging by the numbers of hits in the Tekstaro (including many hits in the old and new Testaments). It's herdo which seems to be rare.

I mentioned herdo specifically because vortaro.net mentions "remaĉuloj" (animals that chew their cud) with reference to that word, which fits sheep. Seems like "grego" is for any kind of animal at all (like, it could be a group of fish or a group of birds as well).