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help with translation

de kenzieli23, 2013-februaro-26

Mesaĝoj: 16

Lingvo: English

kenzieli23 (Montri la profilon) 2013-februaro-26 16:56:34

Saluton,

Hi there, I'm wondering if one of you could help me. I have a short story that I have written and translated into Esperanto, but there are some lines I'm not sure are 100% correct. Since it's for a short film project and other people will be seeing it, I want it to be accurate. Could someone take a look at my translation (English and Esperanto side-by-side) and make corrections if needed? I'll go ahead and post the lines below.

Thanks!
Kenzie

Here they are:

A: You know they’re going to come for you?
A: Ĉu vi scias ke ili sekvos vin?

B: Yeah, I suppose they will.
B: Jes, mi supozas ke jes.

A: Well, it’s not one-hundred percent, but it should get you over the border.
A: Nu, ĝi ne estas cent procento, sed ĝi devus preni vin super la bordero.

B: Good enough.
B: Sufiĉe bona.

A: Alright then, let’s be quick about it. We’re already out of time.
A: Nu, ni rapidu pri ĝi. Ni jam ne havas tempon.
---------
B: Is this the price I must pay for my crimes? Is this the life that’s left for me to live?
B: Ĉu ĉi tiu estas la prezo mi devas pagi por mia krimoj? Ĉu ĉi tiu estas la vivo ke restas por mi vivu?

C: Daddy! You’re it, come catch me!
C: Paĉjo! Vi ĝin, venu kapti min!

B: Wait!
B: Atendu!

Ganove (Montri la profilon) 2013-februaro-26 22:37:05

A: You know they’re going to come for you?
A: Ĉu vi scias, ke ili iros pro vin preni?
Correct me if I am wrong: They are going to meet someone in order to take him somewhere.

B: Yeah, I suppose they will.
B: Jes, mi supozas, ke jes.

A: Well, it’s not one-hundred percent, but it should get you over the border.
A: Nu, ĝi ne estas cent procento, sed mi supozas, ke ĝi vin portu super la limo.
Correct me if I am wrong: A vehicle should carry someone over the border of a territory.

B: Good enough.
B: Sufiĉe bona.

A: Alright then, let’s be quick about it. We’re already out of time.
A: Bone, ni urĝiĝu. Ni jam estas malfruaj/sentempaj. / Ni jam malfruiĝas.
Correct me if I am wrong: colloquial way for telling someone to hurry, since they are already late/delayed.

---------
B: Is this the price I must pay for my crimes? Is this the life that’s left for me to live?
B: Ĉu ĉi tiu estas la prezo, kion mi devas pagi por mia krimoj? Ĉu ĉi tiu estas la vivo, kio restas por mi vivi?
'kion': The object of the relative clause (pagi la prezon) relates to its describing word (la prezo).
kio: a reative clause begins with kio or kion dependingly if the verb's object of the relative clause relates on the described noun.

C: Daddy! You’re it, come catch me!
C: Paĉjo! Vi estas ĝi, venu (por) min kapti!

B: Wait!
B: Atendu!

I am still a beginner, you should wait for someone else to proofread my suggestions.

sudanglo (Montri la profilon) 2013-marto-01 11:41:02

A: You know they’re going to come for you?
A: Vi scias ke ili venos por vi

B: Yeah, I suppose they will.
B: Mi supozas ke jes.

A: Well, it’s not one-hundred percent, but it should get you over the border.
A: Nu, ĝi ne estas tute sendifekta, sed ĝi bonas por porti vin trans la landlimon.

B: Good enough.
B: Tio sufiĉos

A: Alright then, let’s be quick about it. We’re already out of time.
A: Nu bone, rapidu. Jam mankas al ni tempo.
---------
B: Is this the price I must pay for my crimes? Is this the life that’s left for me to live?
B: Ĉu jen la prezo kiun mi devas pagi pro miaj krimoj? Ĉu tia estos mia estonteco nun?

C: Daddy! You’re it, come catch me!
C: Paĉjo! Vi estas 'Ĝi'. Provu kapti min!

B: Wait!
B: Atendu!

I've tried to keep the language simple to capture the tone of the English.

Ondo (Montri la profilon) 2013-marto-02 12:33:55

La tradukoj de Sudanglo estas ĝuinde bonaj!

erinja (Montri la profilon) 2013-marto-03 00:05:00

English forum, Ondo.

sudanglo (Montri la profilon) 2013-marto-03 10:28:35

Ondo can flatter me in any language he pleases. Let's see what Google Translate makes of it.

The translations of Sudanglo is ĝuinde good!

Ok I understand that. What is the problem?

Ganove (Montri la profilon) 2013-marto-03 11:27:41

I think that he asked for a translation and not for an interpretation. I learnt in school that a translation remains the original information and structure as close as possible compared to an interpretation which is rather a freer translation just mirroring the sense.

sudanglo:A: Well, it’s not one-hundred percent, but it should get you over the border.
A: Nu, ĝi ne estas tute sendifekta, sed ĝi bonas por porti vin trans la landlimon.
Please, correct me if I am wrong:
'should' also indicates an assumption that it probably gets you over the border but not with a 100% probability.

sudanglo:A: Alright then, let’s be quick about it. We’re already out of time.
A: Nu bone, rapidu. Jam mankas al ni tempo.
Please, correct me if I am wrong:
'let's' is an abbreviation for 'let us' which indicates a command to 1st first plural.

sudanglo:B: Is this the price I must pay for my crimes? Is this the life that’s left for me to live?
B: Ĉu jen la prezo kiun mi devas pagi pro miaj krimoj? Ĉu tia estos mia estonteco nun?
Please, correct me if I am wrong:
'Is this the life that’s left for me to live?' asks for the way how his life will be but not how his future will be.

sudanglo:C: Daddy! You’re it, come catch me!
C: Paĉjo! Vi estas 'Ĝi'. Provu kapti min!
Correct me if I am wrong:
Re-considering the English 'come catch me!', I think there's lacking a comma 'Come, catch me!' whichs means both, 'Come!' and 'Catch me!' are imepratives.

sudanglo:I've tried to keep the language simple to capture the tone of the English.
Your suggestions really sound good and you have more experiences in Esperanto than me, no question about it. I would not say anyhting against them if he actually just wanted an interpretation.
I know this isn't school but, anyhow, I tend to be accurate, I hope you understand this.
Please, take no offense.

sudanglo (Montri la profilon) 2013-marto-03 13:00:21

I imagine that in classroom exercises the teacher may well require a high degree of faithfulness to the original text, so that the teacher can check the pupil's understanding.

However this is not what goes on in real life in the dubbing and sub-titling of foreign films on TV, nor in the translation of books. Here the goal is to achieve an appropriateness and naturalness in the language used, to convey an atmosphere.

If the language is too stilted (in order to be more accurate/faithful) then this can undermine the value of the translation for artistic and/or commercial purposes.

If it was important to the plot to show the possibility of a break-down before reaching the border, then of course the translation should reflect that, but I felt the thrust was that it was good enough to get him to the border. Also these characters seem to me to be not the type to use careful speech, to hedge with reservations. But that is just my interpretation.

There is rarely one incontrovertibly best translation outside of simple context-less sentences.

Ondo (Montri la profilon) 2013-marto-04 06:43:56

I agree with Sudanglo. And I still think he made an excellent job translating the sentences. Real-life translation of a dialogue means saying what the persons would say in the same situation if they spoke another language. Perhaps it's not something for exercise books in a class for classical languages. (And for the translator, knowing as much as possible of the context will always help.)

sudanglo (Montri la profilon) 2013-marto-04 11:59:06

Just to add further to what Ondo said.

One of the big problems in translating dialogue into Esperanto is that the language is not big on what the linguists call register ie different use of language according to the social/occupational class of the speaker.

Since one cannot draw directly on actual experience of the language of the more refined or the more uncouth Esperantist, one needs to make an imaginative leap as to what sort of language such a person might use if speaking in Esperanto.

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