المشاركات: 6
لغة: English
xdzt (عرض الملف الشخصي) 19 يونيو، 2013 5:44:07 م
This tiger is sprawled
so still and so flat,
a question arises
when glancing there-at
Is he asleep? To be
perfectly frank,
he looks more as if
he was creamed by a tank!
I made two attempts, one a bit longer but with what I felt was a more solid ending rhyme:
Jen ĉi-tiu tigro, kiu sternas
tiel trankvila kaj plata,
ke malrapide demando edukiĝas
dum li estas observata:
Ĉu li ja dormas? Fakte, mi opinias
pri la besto sur la planko,
ke ĉi-tiu tigro multe pli aspektas
kiel li pistis per tanko!
And another, where I tried to get the syllable count closer to the original:
Jen tigro sternas
tiel trankvila kaj plata,
ke mi demandas
pri tiu granda kaj kata:
Ĉu li ja dormas?
Fakte, mi opinias, ke
li pli aspektas
kiel si pistis tanke!
I'd just like some feedback whether my translation makes any sense, whether the grammar is right, etc. This was my first attempt at trying anything poetry related in Esperanto, and I find it much harder to get any semblance of a good meter in Esperanto.
michaleo (عرض الملف الشخصي) 19 يونيو، 2013 10:30:01 م
Jen tigro vastas
pace kaj plate,
Jen dub' aperantas
al okulante
Ĉu li dormanta? Estu
plej veriĝe,
li statas ece
knedi tank-ŝoviĝe!
etala (عرض الملف الشخصي) 20 يونيو، 2013 6:29:45 ص
I'd just like some feedback whether my translation makes any sense, whether the grammar is right, etc. This was my first attempt at trying anything poetry related in Esperanto, and I find it much harder to get any semblance of a good meter in Esperanto.I think your attempts are for the most part pretty good, but I have few concerns:
Jen ĉi-tiu tigro, kiu sternas"malrapide demando edukiĝas" for me means something like "a question slowly gets educated". If you want to throw in a Hamlet reference, you could do something like "malrapide demando ekstaras", since "To be, or not to be, — that is the question" got translated as "Ĉu esti aŭ ne esti,—tiel staras / Nun la demando"
tiel trankvila kaj plata,
ke malrapide demando edukiĝas
dum li estas observata:
Ĉu li ja dormas? Fakte, mi opiniasSince "per" means "by" as in using an instrument, like "he went to London by train" and not the passive sense of "by" like "he was creamed by a tank", I understood "li pistis per tanko" as "he was pounding with a tank" as if the tiger had the tank in his paws and was using it. I have to admit I had to look up the meaning of the word "pisti", and it seems to be used mostly in a culinary sense. If you want to evoke a sense of being flat as roadkill, I'd use a verb like "treti" and play around with the accusative for something like "lin surtretis tanko".
pri la besto sur la planko,
ke ĉi-tiu tigro multe pli aspektas
kiel li pistis per tanko!
Jen tigro sternasI really like that use of "kata".
tiel trankvila kaj plata,
ke mi demandas
pri tiu granda kaj kata:
Ĉu li ja dormas?"Si" can't be the subject of a clause, so avoiding the issue of what verb to use, I'd phrase it like "li pistiĝis tanke".
Fakte, mi opinias, ke
li pli aspektas
kiel si pistis tanke!
Hopefully that's helpful, xdzt!
sudanglo (عرض الملف الشخصي) 20 يونيو، 2013 9:07:32 ص
senmova kaj tutplata,
pli trofe-mata ol grand-kata
Kia kuriozo.
Ĉu li dormas, ĉu li ne?
Aspektas li, sternita sur la planko,
kvazaŭ sur-ruliĝis tanko
Miland (عرض الملف الشخصي) 20 يونيو، 2013 9:27:34 ص
xdzt:I'd just like some feedback whether my translation makes any sense, whether the grammar is right, etc.I thought you did very well for a first attempt. I would prefer your second version with a little editing: I would make the 4th line pri tiu kato granda, and li pistiĝis instead of si pistis in the last line. You need the iĝ to make transitive verbs (that act on things, like pisti) into intransitive verbs (about things becoming something)
A note on the grammar in the original: I believe that in the last line, it should have been "were", not "was", because the tiger's being creamed is not an established fact, indeed imaginary ("as if" ) and so the original should have used the subjunctive form of "to be" (the equivalent in Esperanto would be the suffix us in a verb).
xdzt (عرض الملف الشخصي) 20 يونيو، 2013 9:56:14 ص
etala:Very helpful! Thanks for all the great feedback
Hopefully that's helpful, xdzt!