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Is there anything wrong?

של zjboon, 19 ביולי 2009

הודעות: 14

שפה: English

zjboon (הצגת פרופיל) 19 ביולי 2009, 11:47:23

I am learning English.
And I just write a little poem.
This poem is like chinese ancient poem.
[I've met a long-time-no-see friend,but he is not very friendly to me.Then I wrote this poem]

Lovely Lovely, Your face.
Missing Missing, My heart is.
Will we be strangers?
Lovely Lovely, Your voice.
Round Round, still in my ears.
But have you forgotten yet?

That's all. But is there anything wrong? Thank you!

ceigered (הצגת פרופיל) 19 ביולי 2009, 16:37:36

zjboon:I am learning English.
And I just write a little poem.
This poem is like chinese ancient poem.
[I've met a long-time-no-see friend,but he is not very friendly to me.Then I wrote this poem]

Lovely Lovely, Your face.
Missing Missing, My heart is.
Will we be strangers?
Lovely Lovely, Your voice.
Round Round, still in my ears.
But have you forgotten yet?

That's all. But is there anything wrong? Thank you!
I think it's very good, but I need to know what 'round' means in that context - 'round' as in like a ball (pilko) or round as in 'around' (he is around, he is nearby)?

Also, it depends on how you want it, but the word order of the second line could be changed to "Missing Missing, is my heart" although some might be a bit confused because switch the subject with the verb in English is how we make questions. I like your version better though ridulo.gif

RiotNrrd (הצגת פרופיל) 19 ביולי 2009, 16:43:36

zjboon:That's all. But is there anything wrong? Thank you!
It's a very nice poem. The grammar is not quite how people would talk, but for poetry it is fine.

"Round" doesn't seem to fit, though (at least, the way I read the poem). Generally "round" refers to a circular shape, which I don't normally think of as being in ears. When I read this, I wondered if maybe you chose the wrong word?

jchthys (הצגת פרופיל) 19 ביולי 2009, 18:58:39

Missing Missing, My heart is.
How about “Lonely, lonely”?
Will we be strangers?
Maybe “Must we be strangers?”.

And I agree about “Round”—there could be a better word, maybe. What were you thinking of in Chinese?

Donniedillon (הצגת פרופיל) 19 ביולי 2009, 21:25:08

Perhaps 'round, as in around, instead of just round.

zjboon (הצגת פרופיל) 20 ביולי 2009, 01:23:16

jchthys:
Missing Missing, My heart is.
How about “Lonely, lonely”?
Will we be strangers?
Maybe “Must we be strangers?”.

And I agree about “Round”—there could be a better word, maybe. What were you thinking of in Chinese?
I think “Lonely, lonely”and“Must we be strangers?” are better.
About '*Round',well,In chinese,there is a proverb:余音缭绕，It means that The music/voice lingered in the air.

How about 'lingering'?

RiotNrrd (הצגת פרופיל) 20 ביולי 2009, 04:25:50

zjboon:About '*Round',well,In chinese,there is a proverb:余音缭绕，It means that The music/voice lingered in the air.

How about 'lingering'?
"Lingering" works.

ceigered (הצגת פרופיל) 20 ביולי 2009, 05:51:08

Additionally, lingering can be made to match the pace in speech with lovely and lonely by further reducing the middle 'e', so it sounds like 'ling'ring' (which is ok in English poetry).
That way they are all two syllables ridulo.gif
'love-ly'
'lone-ly'
'ling-gring'

jchthys (הצגת פרופיל) 20 ביולי 2009, 19:45:46

ceigered:Additionally, lingering can be made to match the pace in speech with lovely and lonely by further reducing the middle 'e', so it sounds like 'ling'ring' (which is ok in English poetry).
That way they are all two syllables ridulo.gif
'love-ly'
'lone-ly'
'ling-gring'
It’s just a matter of preference, but I’d still spell the word out in full.

Miland (הצגת פרופיל) 20 ביולי 2009, 22:21:25

One suggestion:

Lovely, lovely is your face
I've been lonely, lonely.
Will we remain strangers?
Lovely, lovely is your voice
That goes round and round in my ears
Do you still not remember?

In Esperanto:
Bele, bele via vizaĝo
Mi estis sola, sola
Ĉu ni restos fremduloj?
Bele, bele via voĉo
Kiu ĉirkaŭiras en miaj okuloj
Ĉu vi ankoraŭ ne memoras?

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