I have been working on this poem for some days, and now I finally think it's ready for a little daylight (or computer light?). I would have posted this in the Esperanto sections, but figured I should first get some feedback from my fellow English-speakers. There are probably a few grammatical errors, which I hope you guys will point out, and I'd also like help with polishing its artistic aspects. You can read the original here, for comparison.

I have plenty more to say, but it's getting late and I'm tired. Tomorrow, probably, I'll divulge some details. But for now, I look forward to any and all comments. And may I suggest you give the translation a score, out of ten? I would find it interesting and will try not to cry (too much) if anyone scores it below a ten.

Thanks,
Abras

Ĝoje rajdanta
Kavaliro galanta,
En sunbril' kaj en ombro,
Longe vojaĝante,
Ĉiam kantante,
Si serĉis Eldoradon.

Sed maljuniĝis li,
Tiu viro sen tim',
Kaj sur la koron ombro
Falis, ĉar neniu er'
De serĉita ter'
Similis Eldoradon.

Kaj kiam forteco
Iĝis nenieco,
Lin renkontis sankta ombro;
"Ombro," diris li,
"Kie estas ĝi,
Tiu kaŝa Eldorado?"

"Super la montojn
De la lun',
En Valon de la Ombro,
Rajdu kun fortaĵo,"
Respondis mallumaĵo,
"Se vi serĉis Eldoradon."

Abras:I have been working on this poem for some days, and now I finally think it's ready for a little daylight (or computer light?). I would have posted this in the Esperanto sections, but figured I should first get some feedback from my fellow English-speakers. There are probably a few grammatical errors, which I hope you guys will point out, and I'd also like help with polishing its artistic aspects. You can read the original here, for comparison.

I have plenty more to say, but it's getting late and I'm tired. Tomorrow, probably, I'll divulge some details. But for now, I look forward to any and all comments. And may I suggest you give the translation a score, out of ten? I would find it interesting and will try not to cry (too much) if anyone scores it below a ten.

Thanks,
Abras

Ĝoje rajdanta
Kavaliro galanta,
En sunbril' kaj en ombro,
Longe vojaĝante,
Ĉiam kantante,
Si serĉis Eldoradon.

Sed maljuniĝis li,
Tiu viro sen tim',
Kaj sur la koron ombro
Falis, ĉar neniu er'
De serĉita ter'
Similis Eldoradon.

Kaj kiam forteco
Iĝis nenieco,
Lin renkontis sankta ombro;
"Ombro," diris li,
"Kie estas ĝi,
Tiu kaŝa Eldorado?"

"Super la montojn
De la lun',
En Valon de la Ombro,
Rajdu kun fortaĵo,"
Respondis mallumaĵo,
"Se vi serĉis Eldoradon."

It's not bad. There's some adasismo going on here obviously, but it's hard to translate poetry without it.

I wonder if Poe intended that "shadow" and "El Dorado" should rhyme. Probably, I think. May have to come up with a better synonym for "ombro" and/or "El Dorado" in that case (El Dorado is literally "La Or-kovrito"; originally El Dorado was a king who covered himself in gold-dust before it became the name of a legendary land).

"Si serĉis Eldoradon." That should be "li", since it is a totally separate clause from "kavaliro galanta" etc.

"Sed maljuniĝis li, / Tiu viro sen tim'," That doesn't really rhyme. "Sed maljun' trafis lin, / tiun viron sen tim'" comes closer to rhyming.

"De serĉita ter'" should be "serĉata" since the search is in progress in the context of the poem.

"Super la montojn" probably should be "Preter la montoj". In this context, "over the mountains" doesn't literally mean "(to) above the mountains", but "over on the other side of (i.e. beyond) the mountains". Objects of preter don't take the accusative by the way, since preter is inherently a directional preposition.

"Se vi serĉis Eldoradon." That should be "serĉas". "Serĉus" would work too.

Many thanks to both you, trojo, and to Miland, who sent me a private message with his kind words and suggestions. I have made some changes, and the revised poem is below. Notwithstanding the old phrase, "A camel is a horse designed by committee" I think Eldorado 2.0 turned out well. But, of course, there is no reason there shouldn't be an Eldorado 3.0, so please chip in more comments and suggestions.

Eldorado
De Edgar Allan Poe

Ĝoje rajdanta
Kavaliro galanta,
En sunbril' kaj en ombro,
Longe vojaĝante,
Ĉiam kantante,
Li serĉis Eldoradon.

Sed maljun' trafis lin,
Tiun viron sen tim',
Kaj sur la koron ombro
Falis, ĉar neniu er'
De serĉata ter'
Similis Eldoradon.

Kaj kiam la forteco
Iĝis nenieco,
Li renkontis sanktan ombron;
"Ho Ombro," diris li,
"Kie estas ĝi,
La kaŝa Eldorado?"

"Preter la montoj
De la lun',
Tra la Valon de la Ombro,
Rajdu kun kuraĝo,"
Respondis mallumaĵo,
"Se vi serĉas Eldoradon."

"Ĝoje rajdanta" -- I originally wrote "vestanta" until I realized I wasn't writing about someone who enjoys dressing people. Miland suggests "gaje vestita" but the rhyme with "galanta" is too tantalizing.

"Sed maljun' trafis lin,/Tiun viron sen tim'," -- I like it, Thanks, trojo.

On changing "ombro" to rhyme with "Eldorado," I'm happy with the way it is, though I am open to further suggestions.

I have also made some changes to the prepositions in the last stanza.

Thanks,
Abras