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Viking war cry

fra Evildela,2010 5 26

Meldinger: 23

Språk: English

Evildela (Å vise profilen) 2010 5 26 12:36:03

Ok I have this little war cry / poem that is similar to what the Vikings would say before they went into battle. If you've seen the movie 13th warrior, you would know what I’m babbling on about. Anyways here is the English version:

Lo there do I see my father.
Lo there do I see my mother.
Lo there do I see my brothers and my sisters.
Lo there do I see the line of my people back to the beginning.
Lo they do call to me
they bid me take my place among them in the Halls of Valhalla,
where the brave may live forever.

Now here is my terrible attempt at an Esperanto translation:

Jen sian patron mi vidas.
Jen sian patrinon mi vidas.
Jen siajn gefratojn mi vidas.
Mi vidas la liniojn de siajn popolojn, reen al la komenco.
Ili vokas al min.
Ili petas mi okupi mian lokon inter ilin, en la haloj de Valhalo.
Kie la kuraĝuloj loĝus eterne.

Can anyone pick out the faults for me, kaŭ fix any of my inaccurate verb/ noun/ anything at all use.

If anyone’s interested in knowing why I’m after this translation, my mate is getting a tat of this war cry on his back, however he doesn’t want it in English, and I offered to do an attempt at Esperanto translation for him to consider, he’s also looking at a few other languages.

tommjames (Å vise profilen) 2010 5 26 13:04:01

The main thing I would say is don't use "sia" because you only use it for the 3rd person (li, ŝi, ili, ĝi, oni). So "I see my father" would be "Mi vidas mian patron", but "he sees his father" would be "li vidas sian patron". You would never use "sia" to relate directly to yourself.

Some other corrections:

Ili vokas al min

Ili petas min okupi

"liniojn de siajn popolojn" I would say "linion de mia popolo".

erinja (Å vise profilen) 2010 5 26 13:05:08

A couple of hints; let's see how far you can fix your text with these grammar rules:
- no -n after a preposition in almost all cases (and in your specific text, there should be no -n after prepositions, period)

- Forms of "si" are ONLY used in the third person. There is no first person "si". You use "mi" instead. Likewise with "vi", though it doesn't appear in your text. Therefore, li razas sin, but mi razas min (and vi razas vin).

There's a problem with the "peti/okupi" construction in the second to last line. Can you figure out what it is?

Frankouche (Å vise profilen) 2010 5 26 13:08:28

Other version from this movie, i wrote some years ago from the french version : la dektria batalisto, at the bottom of the page. With a video La dektria batalisto : kiel lerni barbarian lingvon... okulumo.gif
Of course there are some traduction mistakes okulumo.gif

Evildela (Å vise profilen) 2010 5 26 13:37:28

Dankon pro 'si' I must have missed the 3rd person thing when I was learning, now I know. Also thanks for the prepositions insight, guess that’s another thing I missed. Well at least by attempting these translations, I get to see where my understanding of Esperanto fails.

Well heres round two:

Jen mian patron mi vidas.
Jen mian patrinon mi vidas.
Jen miajn gefratojn mi vidas.
Mi vidas la linion de mia popolo, reen al la komenco.
Ili vokas al mi.
Ili petas min okupi mian lokon inter ili, en la haloj de Valhalo.
Kie la kuraĝuloj loĝus eterne.

Oh and Frankouche your translation reads as ten times more sophisticated, Walks all over my poor little traduko, lol =(

Miland (Å vise profilen) 2010 5 26 19:37:59

Much better. I would add, try to translate meaning rather than the literal words. For "Lo there do I see the line of my people back to the beginning", for example, I might suggest
Jen mi vidas la vicon de miaj praŭloj ĝis la komenco de mia popolo.
That's only one suggestion; you might be able to dispense with the last three words and end with ilia komenco, for example.

You seem to have missed Erinja's point about the problem of using petas with okupi. Study the three examples in the box following the heading U-modo en ke-frazoj « in the PMEG.

tommjames (Å vise profilen) 2010 5 26 20:39:07

Miland:You seem to have missed Erinja's point about the problem of using petas with okupi. Study the three examples in the box following the heading U-modo en ke-frazoj « in the PMEG.
"Petas min okupi" is fine, it's not necessary to use the volitive mode in every instance. Indeed according to results in Tekstaro it's actually the more common form by some margin.

Also I wouldn't say that "linio" is too much of a word-for-word translation, it appears in at least one work I'm aware of: li estis ŝia malproksima parenco en la patrina linio, from La Ora Ĉeno.

Miland (Å vise profilen) 2010 5 26 21:55:07

tommjames:"Petas min okupi" is fine..I wouldn't say that "linio" is too much of a word-for-word translation..
Petis min okupi is possible, if you want to put it more concisely, with the stress on okupi rather than on Petis min (ke mi faru ion). Here, the previous line suggests that the emphasis is on the call of the warrior, so I would prefer the imperative here.

As an metaphor linio is fine, particularly if the warrior has a more abstract idea of his lineage in his mind. Here it seems to me that the warrior sees people more concretely in his mind's eye, which is why I would prefer vico.

tommjames (Å vise profilen) 2010 5 26 22:18:50

Hmm I'm not sure I see any real difference in emphasis between the two forms, to my mind they're pretty much equal. PMEG would seem to concur:

PMEG:Mi petas vin trinki. = Mi petas vin, ke vi trinku.
Though if I'm missing something by all means correct me.

jan aleksan (Å vise profilen) 2010 5 27 08:22:34

As a non native, I don't fully understand "Lo there", but as I understood it in the 13th warrior, I would translate it by "Jen tie".

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