I'm sorry if this isn't something I shouldn't be requesting.. please let me know if I'm out of line..

but if someone would be oh-so kind as to look over a children's story I wrote in Esperanto, I'd really appreciate it. I just want to make sure the flow of the story works, and that it's free of any glaring errors.

I posted it up

here, so feel more than free to go at it.

thank you, thank you, thank you all a ton!!

Some comments - "malhavi" is not a word that is really used. If you really think about it, "to unhave" doesn't mean quite the same thing as "not to have". Normally we simply say "ne havi" for a meaning like "not to have".

The word "kio" is never plural - ever. It indicates generalities, and if you know something is plural, that is automatically no longer general.

You almost always put the adjective after the noun. This is not wrong but it is also not the usual word order, and it is unusual to see the adjective after the noun every single time. It seems almost as if you are trying to add special emphasis by doing so (I'm not saying that this is your intention, but it comes off sounding that way). I posted a correction to your LJ. I left the adjective order untouched but if I were you I would consider moving almost all of the adjectives to before the noun. It really does sound unusual with them all after.

Also, "nomi" is a transitive verb. So I could say "Mi nomas vin Maria" ("I name you Maria"), but to say "My name is Erin", I would have to say "Mi nomiĝas Erin" ("I am named Erin")

As a beginner in Esperanto, can I say a general thank you for the care you take in making replies to posts like this one, Erinja? I always find them very helpful.

awesome, yes, thank you a quadrillion percent for all your help. I'll keep what you said in mind when I go back over my story.

I guess I was trying to play around with special emphasis with the weird adjective ordering.. but I see what you mean, it doesn't make a ton of sense to play around with that for such a simple story, hmmm.. but thanks again!!

I just realized there was a typo in my corrections - the line that says "neniam estis soleca ĉar ŝi havis ŝian katon" should actually read "...sian katon" instead of "ŝian katon".

Regarding the adjectives, you could leave some of them with the adjective second. For example "niajn mangxajxojn plej sxatatajn" emphasizes that they brought their *favorite* foods. But uses like "korbo piknika" and "sandvicxoj fisxaj" - I would switch the order for those, if I were you.