As "Undine's Heart", the novel I'm working on with the Eo speaking fairies, prepares for final edit, I have decided to add a few more phrases.

"You make me sick."
"This is a load of dung."
"Hello, my dear nephew."

"I want only you."
"My precious flower." (referring to a girl)

I know some of the phrases should be straightforward enough, but I'd still like help.

Saluton!

"You make me sick." Vi malsanigas min.

"This is a load of dung." Ĉi tio estas amaso da sterko.

"Hello, my dear nephew." Saluton, kara nevo.

"I want only you." Mi volas (/deziras) nur vin.

"My precious flower." Mia kara floreto.

HTH,
Kirilo

Kirilo81:Saluton!

"You make me sick." Vi malsanigas min.

"This is a load of dung." Ĉi tio estas amaso da sterko.

"Hello, my dear nephew." Saluton, kara nevo.

"I want only you." Mi volas (/deziras) nur vin.

"My precious flower." Mia kara floreto.

HTH,
Kirilo

Cool! See, I might have gotten two of those right but I like the way Kirilo did them. Esperanto speaking fairies here I come! My publisher is already ok with it.

"You make me sick." Vi malsanigas min.

If what's meant here is a sense of disgust rather than putting you into a state of actual illness, then IMO a better translation is "Vi naŭzas min".

Kirilo81:
"You make me sick." Vi malsanigas min.

Or perheps:

Vi frenezigas min.

horsto:

Kirilo81:
"You make me sick." Vi malsanigas min.

Or perheps:

Vi frenezigas min.

I kinda like the way this one rolls off the tongue.
I used the phrases with no special characters so I wouldn't have to pester my publisher with unicode for one letter out of the whole book.

philodice:I used the phrases with no special characters so I wouldn't have to pester my publisher with unicode for one letter out of the whole book.

Surely any publisher ought to be able to handle unicode without raising so much as an eyebrow.

Oh. Well, I didn't ask. Maybe it would be fine. I'll ask him tonight. But it really was one letter in one phrase. Not worth it?

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2805786/1/The_Soul_o...

If you want to check it out, that is. Much like the movie "blade" I didn't refer to it as Esperanto.

Sup, here's some suggestions:

"Amy removed her protective mask and breathed cautiously in the clean forest air."

I get that the actions follow on from one another. What really links them though? I can't think of anything. Breathing 'in' the forest air is implied and non-necessary.

Maybe better would be:
Amy removed her protective mask. She cautiously breathed the clean forest air.

"It was a risk for anyone suffering allergies as extreme as her own, but her grandmother's organic farm was far enough away from any large cities that she could not sense any pollution."

Anyone suffering allergies as extreme as hers was at risk; her grandmother's organic farm was further enough away from large cities, and she could not sense any pollution.

So here I've reworded the first sentence as it's a bit awkward. Then I've chopped up the snakey long sentence (it's hard to follow). You have a lot of extraneous words in there.

"The thinly settled borders of Cottage Grove held few dangers for her lungs compared to the center of the town, so she decided to take a chance."

Not much I'd change here. Mostly fine The second part kind of follows on logically. You could use a ;, but I think using another sentence gives it more punch and emphasis.

The thinly settled borders of Cottage Grove held few dangers for her lungs compared to the town center. She decided to take a chance.

"She felt normal for a few minutes, free from the hated device that marked her as strange. The filter set her apart from healthy people, earned her suspicious looks from store security, and hid her facial expressions behind a veil of mystery."

If you split the second sentence, then the points have more emphasis.

She felt normal for a few minutes, free from the hated device that marked her as strange. The filter set her apart from healthy people. Earned her suspicious looks from store security. Hid her facial expressions behind a veil of mystery.

"The mask's gray cotton shell formed a perfect shield between her and the world when medicine just didn't work anymore. It kept her alive by hiding her beauty. She hooked the mask on her belt and approached the bright meadow at the end of the trail, alert for any plants that might trigger a deadly asthma attack."

Not sure here. The first sentence doesn't do it for me. Note I use deadly attack of asthma instead of deadly asthma attack. The asthma breaks up the 2 aggressive words otherwise. Maybe you could try:

Medicine had failed her; a gray cotton mask shielded her from the world keeping her alive, hiding her beauty. Hooking the mask onto her belt, she approached the bright meadow at the trail end, alert for deadly plants. Plants which could trigger a deadly attack of asthma.

I've run out of characters for my post. So far so good. Make changes to bring the text that last 20% and bring it alive.

One thing: you've a lot of small paragraphs one or two sentences wide. Join these where the topic carries on. Having one or two sentence paragraphs interrupts the reader and breaks your texts flow.

(BTW my forums posting is just lazy writing so deal with it )