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Hula hoop peom...brushing up my skills.

od philodice, 28 kwietnia 2011

Wpisy: 7

Język: English

philodice (Pokaż profil) 28 kwietnia 2011, 23:13:15

I am challenging my skills for practice. Below is a poem I wrote about hula hooping. The EO version isn't an exact translation, I wanted it to convey the feeling or spirit of the English since I'm not very good at languages.

En mia hulringo,
mi nagxas tra tempon.
Mi ludas en ekvilibron kaj rimon.

In my hoop,
I will swim in time,
Playing in the balance and the rhyme.

En mia hulringo,
profunda kaj pura,
Mi dancas kun korbaton de la nokton.

In my hoop,
deep and right,
moving with the heartbeat of the night.

En mia hulringo,
Sentas kurenton, sentas trankvilon.
Konkordo estas dolcxa libereco.

In my hoop,
Feel the flow, feel the peace.
Harmony is found in sweet release.

En mia hulringo,
Mi volas ridanti, mi volas kanti.
Mi centritas min dum kelka tempo.

In my hoop,
I will laugh, I will smile,
I am centering myself for a while.
In my hoop.

Kraughne (Pokaż profil) 6 maja 2011, 06:44:41

It's an okay poem. Your flow is fair. The nature of the subject matter is excessively heavy, though.

erinja (Pokaż profil) 6 maja 2011, 11:18:23

I think she was looking for comments on the correctness of her Esperanto grammar, and on how well the Esperanto captured the English,a nd whether she could have done the Esperanto better. She wasn't looking for a critique on how good it is as a poem (and as she said, she wrote it as a language exercise)

Kraughne (Pokaż profil) 6 maja 2011, 20:51:25

Oh. Well, that works too.

philodice (Pokaż profil) 8 maja 2011, 15:52:58

Kraughne:Oh. Well, that works too.
Exactly. The idea of turning a hula hoop into a ring of peace may seem odd. I wrote this for a friend who believes in the "Hoop Path"...that hula hooping is a way to experience deep joy and peace. He loved it. Does the translation carry the same feel as the original, or did I use the wrong words?

Some Native Americans also feel that dancing with hoops can bring about healing and health if you do it in a meditative way. As my husband is quick to point out, hoop dancing isn't a sacred dance, it is an exhibition dance. However, many dancers point to it as the cure of their depression, lethargy, obesity, and diabetes. It does burn 200 calories an hour, and carries a possibility of prize money at competitions, after all.

Miland (Pokaż profil) 9 maja 2011, 13:02:28

philodice:I am challenging my skills for practice..
Here's a few suggestions.
philodice:mi naĝas tra tempon.
Mi ludas en ekvilibron kaj rimon.
I wouldn't use the accusatives in this verse.

philodice:Mi dancas kun korbaton de la nokton.
I wouldn't use the accusative here.

philodice:Sentas kurenton, sentas trankvilon.
Konkordo estas dolĉa libereco.
I would use sentu and troviĝas en instead of estas.

philodice:Mi volas ridanti, mi volas kanti.
Mi centritas min dum kelka tempo.
I would use ridi and centrigas.

philodice (Pokaż profil) 10 maja 2011, 13:36:33

Miland:
philodice:I am challenging my skills for practice..
Here's a few suggestions.
philodice:mi naĝas tra tempon.
Mi ludas en ekvilibron kaj rimon.
I wouldn't use the accusatives in this verse.

philodice:Mi dancas kun korbaton de la nokton.
I wouldn't use the accusative here.

philodice:Sentas kurenton, sentas trankvilon.
Konkordo estas dolĉa libereco.
I would use sentu and troviĝas en instead of estas.

philodice:Mi volas ridanti, mi volas kanti.
Mi centritas min dum kelka tempo.
I would use ridi and centrigas.
So it sounds like I was fairly close after all, but overly using accusative tenses. Thanks for the help.

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