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Translation Challenge

de Miland, 23 juillet 2011

Messages : 6

Langue: English

Miland (Voir le profil) 23 juillet 2011 11:02:00

From Wordworth's Lines written a few miles above Tintern Abbey:

"..I have felt
A presence that disturbs me with the joy
Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime
Of something far more deeply interfused,
Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns,
And the round ocean, and the living air,
And the blue sky, and in the mind of man,
A motion and a spirit, that impels
All thinking things, all objects of all thought,
And rolls through all things. Therefore am I still
A lover of the meadows and the woods,
And mountains; and of all that we behold."

3rdblade (Voir le profil) 25 juillet 2011 03:46:08

Hmm, translating poetry is a good way to better appreciate the words of the original, because one has to think about them more deeply. Here's my try:

...mi sentis
Ĉeeston kiun min ĝenas, per la ĝoj'
De altiĝitaj pensoj; aminda sento
De io profundege interiĝis,
Kies loĝejo estas la lumo sunsubira,
Kaj la ronda oceano, kaj la aero viva,
Kaj la blua ĉielo, kaj en homa menso,
Movo kaj animo, kiu pelas
Ĉiaj pensantoj, ĉiaj pensaĵoj
Kaj rulas tra ĉio. Tial mi ankoraŭ
Amanto de la verdkampoj kaj arbaroj,
Kaj montoj, kaj ĉiu rigardato.

Miland (Voir le profil) 30 juillet 2011 11:02:32

Bone farita! English poetry is difficult to translate into Esperanto. I'll make only a few comments for now, in case others might like to have a go.

"Presence" seems to me something more personal than the fact of attendance (ĉe-esto); I might use Ĉe-estaĵo, or Persona estaĵo, depending on how much I wanted to emphasize the personality of this Being or estaĵo. Perhaps Estaĵo could work.

I'm not sure I would translate sublime as aminda, "lovable". I might use something like profunda.

"Interfused" in my view serves an adjectival function here, so intermiksita might be more suitable.

I would put la before homa menso.

Ruli is transitive, so I would use ruliĝas here.

EDIT: I would use restas instead of ankoraŭ, at the end of the last line but two (we could add estas after ankoraŭ, but this seems to me less elegant).

sudanglo (Voir le profil) 30 juillet 2011 11:09:05

'Sublima' is in NPIV in the sense of 'sublime' - tiel distingiĝa per sia alteco, nobleco aŭ alia impresa eco, ke ĝi inspiras ian kvazaŭ religian respekton, admiron, au timon

3rdblade (Voir le profil) 31 juillet 2011 05:48:43

Miland:I'm not sure I would translate sublime as aminda, "lovable". I might use something like profunda.
I have seen aminda translated to English as 'loveable' elsewhere, but that word in English has a soft, almost cute feel to it, like a 'loveable puppy' or something. I was thinking of it more as purely 'worthy of love', or even 'worthy of being loved', (though that might be 'amitinda') I think I avoided 'sublima' (which seems to suit well, according to the NPIV) because I had some memory of us discussing the oddness and origins of that word in another thread here...

ceigered (Voir le profil) 31 juillet 2011 09:05:50

I think Sublima works best. There's a unique characteristic about the word "sublime" that incorporates a large range of meanings, ranging from a characteristic of the awesome to the divine, so I think it's worth using the perhaps more neologistic-sounding "sublima" over other words.

Sublime's definition almost seems sublime lango.gif

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