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tradukadaj sugestoj al mi

от sproshua, 26 септември 2013

Съобщения: 6

Език: English

sproshua (Покажи профила) 26 септември 2013, 01:54:03

hello. i've been studying Esperanto for the past three months. i attempted to translate this poem by Langston Hughes. any and all suggestions are welcome. thanks!

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/175884

Harlemo
de Langston Hughes

Kio fariĝas al revo prokrastita?

Ĉu, kiel sunumata rosino,
Ĝi elsekiĝas?
Aŭ, ĉu sepsiĝas kiel ulcero -
Kaj tiam pusas?
Ĉu ĝi fetoras kiel putra viando?
Aŭ, ĉu krustiĝas kaj sukerumiĝas -
Kiel siropa dolĉaĵo?

Eble, kiel peza ŝarĝo,
ĝi nur fleksiĝas.

Aŭ, ĉu detonacias?
__________________

Harlem
By Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

erinja (Покажи профила) 29 септември 2013, 12:03:04

This is the English forum; you can post in Esperanto but your Esperanto text should be accompanied by an English translation here. You can edit your post to add a translation, or else you can feel free to move your post to one of the Esperanto-only forums.

sproshua (Покажи профила) 29 септември 2013, 22:43:04

erinja:This is the English forum; you can post in Esperanto but your Esperanto text should be accompanied by an English translation here. You can edit your post to add a translation, or else you can feel free to move your post to one of the Esperanto-only forums.
ah, right on. i did not know that.

sproshua (Покажи профила) 29 септември 2013, 22:53:16

this translation has gone through a few edits already. i think it's pretty solid. to bring it to the next level, i want to try to find a way to make it rhyme better. thoughts?

Rejsi (Покажи профила) 30 септември 2013, 04:47:15

sproshua:this translation has gone through a few edits already. i think it's pretty solid. to bring it to the next level, i want to try to find a way to make it rhyme better. thoughts?
This won't necessarily help you rhyme better, but I'd just like to point out that there's a style of writing poetry and lyrics in Esperanto that involves occasionally omitting the final -o to fit in with the rhythm, meter, or style of the piece. Note that it can't be done with a final -on, -ojn, -oj, -a, -e, etc. It only works with -o.

Here's a rendition of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" (taken from Being Colloquial in Esperanto)
Sur la ŝafido de Meri’
ŝaflano neĝe blankis;
ne gravis kien iris ŝi,
ŝafid’ neniam mankis.
—Derek Roff

sproshua (Покажи профила) 01 октомври 2013, 01:00:14

Rejsi:This won't necessarily help you rhyme better, but I'd just like to point out that there's a style of writing poetry and lyrics in Esperanto that involves occasionally omitting the final -o to fit in with the rhythm, meter, or style of the piece. Note that it can't be done with a final -on, -ojn, -oj, -a, -e, etc. It only works with -o.
thanks for the tip.

i was thinking perhaps for lines 2-5 this might be a good substitute:

Ĉu, kiel sunumata rosino, (like a raisin in the sun)
Ĝi elsekiĝas? (does it dry up?)
Aŭ, kiel pusanta ulcero (or, like an oozing ulcer)
Ĉu sepsiĝas? (does it become infected?)

i think this is an improvement, ĉu ne?

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