I'm working on translating the lyrics of the opening theme from Final Fantasy XI (which are in Esperanto) into English, and I'm wondering if I should post them here so that I can see how well I did.  Am I allowed to do that?

yes, do it

 Wow, I didn't know about this! It's always interesting when Esperanto makes its way into culture. Do you know if there was any certain motivation behind this, other than Esperanto sounding like a generic European language?

 

PS: Why don't these forums work in Firefox, arrgh. -_-;;

Since we haven't seen any activity here in a little while,  here are the Esperanto lyrics to the Final Fantasy XI opening theme. 

Memoro de la Ŝtono

Fluas nun sango senkulpa,

sur Vana' diel, vasta ter'.

Tremas la tuta mond'

pro l' plago en desper'.

Preventas ĝin

nenia sort'.

Haltigas ĝin

nenia fort.

Sed tra la nokto tempesta

brilas jen stelo de glor'!

Kontrau~ brutala kri'

fontas jen kant-sonor'!

Stelo brilanta, kanto sonanta:

revo kaj preĝo pro ni!

Vana' diel! Vana' diel!

Mano kaj man' kunpremitaj

trans la eterno sen lim'

ne dismetiĝos plu,

ne disligiĝos plu!

And here is my meager English translation (constructive criticism welcome for this beginner!)

Memory of the Stone

Now flows innocent blood

Upon Vana' diel, a vast land

The whole world trembles.

in despair from the scourge

Preventing it

No fate

Stopping it

no force

But through the stormy night

Behold, a glorious star shines!

Against a brutal cry

Behold, a ringing song wells up

A brilliant star sings:

A dream and a prayer for us!

Vana' diel! Vana' diel!

Hand and hand with your fellow oppressed

Across the boundless eternity

No longer will we be torn apart

No longer will we be separated!

in despair from the scourge

Well, "despero" isn't a real word, even in CEED, which has like every neologism ever. "Despair" actually is malespero and "desperation" is (laŭ CEED) senespero. In my opinion, En desper' could have been replaced with sen esper' without messing up the original rhythm, rhyme, or apparent intended meaning.

A brilliant star sings:

Actually this line is, "a star shining, a song sounding"

Hand and hand with your fellow oppressed

I don't know where "fellow oppressed" came from. The line actually means something like "Hand and hand taken together".

No longer will we be torn apart
No longer will we be separated!

"We" doesn't appear in either of these lines. The subject of these clauses is actually Mano kaj man' from two lines above. So: "No longer will [these hands] be seperated / No longer will [they] be unlinked."

Here's my rendering of the whole thing:

The Stone's Memory
Now flows the blood of innocents
on Vana`diel, a vast land.
The whole world shudders
hopelessly under the scourge.
It is prevented
by no form of fate.
It is stopped
by no means of strength.

But through the stormy night
shines-- behold! a star of glory!
Against a brutal cry
springs-- behold! a musical ringing!
A star shining, a song sounding--
a dream and a prayer for us!
Vana`diel! Vana`diel!
Hand and hand joined together,
across forever without limit,
no longer will be seperate,
no longer will be unjoined!

Thank you for all your input.  I was wondering if maybe it was too early in my education to try tackling indiomatic/poetic Esperanto, but overall I think making the effort and making the mistakes has been very helpful.

>Well, "despero" isn't a real word, even in CEED, which has like every neologism ever. "Despair" actually is >malespero and "desperation" is (laŭ CEED) senespero. In my opinion, En desper' could have been >replaced with sen esper' without messing up the original rhythm, rhyme, or apparent intended meaning.

I need to get a copy of the CEED. 

>>A brilliant star sings:

>Actually this line is, "a star shining, a song sounding"

Now I see my error in this.   It was simpler than I thought... noun(stelo) + adjective(brilanta) = A star shining... Is there a particular reason we would translate this as "a star shining" as opposed to "a shining star" or even "a shiny star" beyond poetic license?

>>Hand and hand with your fellow oppressed

>I don't know where "fellow oppressed" came from. The line actually means something like "Hand and hand >taken together".

I had quite a bit of trouble with the word "kunpremitaj" and I still don't understand.  My justification for the translation originally was as follows:

"kun-" co-, fellow

"premi"- oppress, squeeze, press (also premo, pressure and prema, burdensome/onerous)

and a suffix "ita" which I apparently made up in my own mind, which if it were real would make my translation correct.  Of course, that's no way to go about translating things

It's clear to me that my translation does not make sense, but I am still stumbling over this word "kunpremitaj".  Can anyone shed some light for me?

>>No longer will we be torn apart
>>No longer will we be separated!

>"We" doesn't appear in either of these lines. The subject of these clauses is actually Mano kaj man' from >two lines above. So: "No longer will [these hands] be seperated / No longer will [they] be unlinked."

And here, I think my problem was going line by line and trying to translate each line separately and make it make sense on its own.  This is why I suppose this translation was a bit ambitious for my level of understanding.  I have been doing well on the online tests and such, but have no real experience with conversational Esperanto at all. 

I noticed some other differences in our translation that you didn't remark upon specifically, and I was wondering if there is a textbook reason that one or the other might be more correct, or is it something that can be ascribed to personal/poetic choice?

 

> Thank you for all your input.  I was wondering if maybe it was too early in my
> education to try tackling indiomatic/poetic Esperanto, but overall I think making
> the effort and making the mistakes has been very helpful.

It's never too early to begin putting Esperanto to "real-world" use, IMO.

Estas neniam tro frue, komenci praktikan uzadon de Esperanto, laŭ mia opinio.

>>> A brilliant star sings:
>> Actually this line is, "a star shining, a song sounding"
> Now I see my error in this.   It was simpler than I thought... noun(stelo) +
> adjective(brilanta) = A star shining... Is there a particular reason we would
> translate this as "a star shining" as opposed to "a shining star" or even
> "a shiny star" beyond poetic license?

The English word "shiny" would be brila. The suffix -anta indicates a present-tense participle, i.e. shining. Participles are frequently formed as adjectives in Esperanto.

La angla "shiny" devus esti "brila". La postafikso "-anta" signifas as-tempan participon (t.e. "shining"). Oni formas participojn ofte kiel adjektivojn en Esperanto.

>>Hand and hand with your fellow oppressed
> I had quite a bit of trouble with the word "kunpremitaj" and I still don't understand.  My
> justification for the translation originally was as follows:
> "kun-" co-, fellow
> "premi"- oppress, squeeze, press (also premo, pressure and prema, burdensome/onerous)
> and a suffix "ita" which I apparently made up in my own mind, which if it were real would
> make my translation correct.  Of course, that's no way to go about translating things

The suffix -ita is the passive past-tense participle ending. By "passive", I mean that the nouns that it modifies (mano kaj man' by my interpretation) are being pressed, rather than doing the pressing. Also since it's "plural" it refers to both hands rather than just the last one.

La postafisko "-ita" estas la malaktiva, is-tempa, participa finaĵo. Per "malaktiva", mi volas diri, ke tiuj substantivoj, kiujn ĝi modifas (t.e. "mano kaj man'" laŭ mi), estas premitaj anstataŭ premintaj. Ankaŭ, ĉar ĝi estas "plura", ĝi referencas ambaŭ da la manoj anstataŭ la lasta sole.

Kun- as a prefix most often means "with" or "together" or "along": e.g. kunporti ("to carry along, bring with"), kuniri ("to go with, accompany"), kunveni ("to come together, to convene"). Usually "fellow" is expressed with sam...ano (literally "same-...-member"), e.g. samlandano ("fellow countryman"), samideano ("fellow thinker, fellow movement-member"), etc.

"Kun-", kiel antaŭafikso, plej ofte signifas "kun" aŭ "kune" -- kiel ekzemple kunporti, kuniri, kunveni, ktp. Kutime "fellow" esprimiĝas per "sam...ano" -- ekz. samlandano, samideano, ktp.

But I mis-read premi ("to press") as preni ("to take"). Oops...

Sed mi mislegis "premi" kiel "preni". Hup...

So the most logical translation of kunpremitaj would be "pressed together". It's possible the author didn't intend that meaning, but I feel that if "fellow oppressed" was really intended it could have been expressed more clearly, pehaps Mano kaj man' sampremanaj or Mano en man' kamarada.

Do la plej logika traduko de la vorto "kunpremitaj" devus esti "premitaj kune". Eble la verkinto ne celis tiun signifon, sed mi opinias, ke se la esprimo "fellow oppressed" estis celita, ĝi povus esprimi pli klare, eble per "mano kaj man' sampremanaj" aŭ "mano en man' kamarada". 

> I noticed some other differences in our translation that you didn't remark upon
> specifically, and I was wondering if there is a textbook reason that one or the other
> might be more correct, or is it something that can be ascribed to personal/poetic choice?

Well, let's see... Nenia is "no kind of" or "no sort of" -- not just "no". Otherwise mostly stylistic choices.

Nu, hm... la vorto "nenia" signifas "ne eco de" aŭ "ne speco de" -- ne nur "ne". Alie plejparte estis stilaj elektoj.

The reason why the words are in Esperanto was that the composer(s) knew the game was being offered only in Japan, the thought then struck them that the game could/would be offered worldwide. So to them it didn't make sense to put the lyrics in Japanese, but to offer them in a laguange that put it on equal grounds.

Paraphrased from: http://na.square-enix.com/music/tunes/ff11.html

I currently play the game if anyones interested....

 

Heh, wow, I play the game +6 hours every day and I've never heard that song ><