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Translating a song

של icewater, 27 ביולי 2015

הודעות: 10

שפה: English

icewater (הצגת פרופיל) 27 ביולי 2015, 15:52:12

I'd like to translate "Asleep and Dreaming", by The Magnetic Fields, into Esperanto: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJsK2mSUwnM

I only have about five days' exposure to the language, so I'm hoping the community here might help.

After repeated iterations of automated translation and dropping/moving words, I don't have much confidence in the results. Would anyone be willing to offer suggestions?

I put brackets around words that I think might be OK to drop. I tried to get single-syllable words to the end of lines because that's where the emphasis falls in the song.

ASLEEP AND DREAMING

I've seen you laugh / at nothing at all
[Mi] Vidis vin ridi / je nenio

I've seen you sadly weeping
[Mi] Vidis vin triste ploras

The sweetest thing / I ever saw
[La] Plej dolĉa aĵo [vido?] / [Mi] Iam vidis

Was you asleep and dreaming
Dormas kaj sonĝas vi estis.

Well you may not be beautiful
Ne rajtas esti bela vi

But it's not for me to judge
Sed ne povas juĝi mi

I don't know if you're beautiful
Ne scias ĉu estas bela vi

Because I love you too much
Ĉar amas vin tro multe mi

I've seen you laugh / at nothing at all
[Mi] Vidis vin ridi / je nenio

I've seen you sadly weeping
[Mi] Vidis vin triste ploras

The sweetest thing / I ever saw
[La] Plej dolĉa aĵo [vido?] / [Mi] Iam vidis

Was you asleep and dreaming
Dormas kaj sonĝas vi estis.

I've seen you when / your ship came in
[Mi] Vidis vin kiam / via ŝipo venis

And when your train was leaving
Kaj kiam via trajno forlasis

The sweetest thing / I ever saw
[La] Plej dolĉa aĵo [vido?] / [Mi] Iam vidis

Was you asleep and dreaming
Dormas kaj sonĝas vi estis.

nornen (הצגת פרופיל) 27 ביולי 2015, 16:02:22

icewater:I'd like to translate "Asleep and Dreaming", by The Magnetic Fields, into Esperanto: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJsK2mSUwnM

I only have about five days' exposure to the language, so I'm hoping the community here might help.

After repeated iterations of automated translation and dropping/moving words, I don't have much confidence in the results. Would anyone be willing to offer suggestions?

I put brackets around words that I think might be OK to drop. I tried to get single-syllable words to the end of lines because that's where the emphasis falls in the song.
Just my two cents

ASLEEP AND DREAMING
Dormanta kaj Songxanta (or revanta, depends)

I've seen you laugh / at nothing at all
Mi Vidis vin ridi / je nenio

I've seen you sadly weeping
Mi Vidis vin triste plori

The sweetest thing / I ever saw
[La] Plej dolĉa aĵo [vido?] / kiun [Mi] Iam vidis (in Esperanto you cannot drop relative pronouns. The apple I found = La pomo, kiun mi trovis.)

Was you asleep and dreaming
Cxu vi Dormis kaj sonĝis

Well you may not be beautiful
Eble vi ne belas / estas bela

But it's not for me to judge
Sed mi ne rajtas juĝi

I don't know if you're beautiful
[mi] Ne scias ĉu estas bela vi

Because I love you too much
Ĉar amas vin tro (multe) mi

[...]

I've seen you when / your ship came in
[Mi] Vidis vin kiam / via ŝipo venis

And when your train was leaving
Kaj kiam via trajno foriris/forveturis

[...]

Tempodivalse (הצגת פרופיל) 27 ביולי 2015, 17:29:15

nornen:
Was you asleep and dreaming
Cxu vi Dormis kaj sonĝis
This is not quite right; this was not a question, but a continuation of "The sweetest thing / I ever saw"

If you want to preserve the meter (emphasis of syllables) of the text, though, you'll need to get more creative. Otherwise it will be difficult to sing the song in Esperanto without changing the melody.

Note also that English often uses fewer syllables than Esperanto does - so might want to resort to elision (Rule 16 of Fundamento) and look for shorter way to say things. Don't feel compelled to translate everything exactly when dealing with lyrics/poetry.

You're doing pretty well for 5 days' worth, though. Learning a few minor points about syntax should go a long way (for example: you can't have more than one main verb (ending in -s) in a clause).

nornen (הצגת פרופיל) 27 ביולי 2015, 18:54:30

Tempodivalse:
nornen:
Was you asleep and dreaming
Cxu vi Dormis kaj sonĝis
This is not quite right; this was not a question, but a continuation of "The sweetest thing / I ever saw"
Thank you very much. I hadn't seen that.

La plej dolcxa afero estas vi dormanta kaj songxanta.

Kirilo81 (הצגת פרופיל) 27 ביולי 2015, 20:37:48

Congratulations, but I'd advice you not to start with such a difficult task like translating songs, especially English ones (I've translated some songs and I know how hard this is).
Maybe try some prose first (no poems), and, first of all, read a lot in order to get a feeling for stylistics.
Keep up the good work!

BTW: Greetings to all from the 100th UK in Lille. ridulo.gif

Tempodivalse (הצגת פרופיל) 27 ביולי 2015, 20:56:08

Kirilo81:Congratulations, but I'd advice you not to start with such a difficult task like translating songs
That depends on your learning style. For me, it is often helpful to jump in the deep end right away - I progress much more quickly when I push myself to do about a notch more than I think I can handle. Most educators don't like this method because it causes a lot of initial frustration, but it has worked well for me. Besides, I don't like to do anything part-way. ridulo.gif

If translating lyrics or poetry really captivates you, go ahead. You'll be surprised at how much faster you progress when you're doing something you love. Just make sure you learn where your mistakes are along the way, and how not to repeat them.

erinja (הצגת פרופיל) 27 ביולי 2015, 21:32:26

I translated songs as a beginner. *Good* translation of songs, singable translation, is incredibly difficult. But if you don't mind your translation not being singable, it's a fun way for a beginner to translate a short text that he or she finds meaningful.

icewater (הצגת פרופיל) 28 ביולי 2015, 01:49:33

I'm more interested in having correct and natural translation of the lyrics than the act of translation itself.

Many years ago an Argentinian friend in the US, learning English, said that singing along with lyrics was helpful for developing natural and flowing pronunciation - your musical memory keeps you on track.

But using an awful translation is probably counter-productive. ridulo.gif Maybe I could start with existing music already in Esperanto, if I can find something that's tolerable/engaging...

lagtendisto (הצגת פרופיל) 28 ביולי 2015, 17:56:52

icewater:Maybe I could start with existing music already in Esperanto, if I can find something that's tolerable/engaging...
You could check out Vinilkosmo's catalog. Most Esperanto music were released by VK.

icewater (הצגת פרופיל) 29 ביולי 2015, 00:58:17

spreecamper:
icewater:Maybe I could start with existing music already in Esperanto, if I can find something that's tolerable/engaging...
You could check out Vinilkosmo's catalog. Most Esperanto music were released by VK.
Superbazaro by Martin Weise is on its way to me!

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