This is the attitude of people right up until their own partner (the person they thought had some commitment to their relationship) decides they are in love with other people. Then the position of cool-headed, pseudo-philosophical tolerance sours somewhat.

I don't really think people are all that monogamous. It is often social structures that creates many types of exclusive, long-term relationships. I don't specifically condemn people being promiscuous, or having multiple sources of affection.
So for the last time, it is the matter of it being dressed up in fluffy language and given an official name and a little movement to go with it. It's a sham.

Vestitor:This is the attitude of people right up until their own partner (the person they thought had some commitment to their relationship) decides they are in love with other people. Then the position of cool-headed, pseudo-philosophical tolerance sours somewhat.

I don't really think people are all that monogamous. It is often social structures that creates many types of exclusive, long-term relationships. I don't specifically condemn people being promiscuous, or having multiple sources of affection.
So for the last time, it is the matter of it being dressed up in fluffy language and given an official name and a little movement to go with it. It's a sham.

If Doĉjo decides to break up with me, for ANY reason, that's his decision, man. I've been through plenty of breakups. I've broken up with plenty of people. That's life. I'm not going to start hating on people who may potentially (but very unlikely) try to "steal" somebody away from me. Because it isn't stealing. Because they aren't my property.

It seems like you're just using a demographic of people as a scapegoat for the insecurity you feel in your own relationship.

I am wholly confused.

My partner could turn out to be gay and leave me for a man. He could fall in love with another woman and leave me for a woman. Does that mean I should go bashing gays (or women?) because this is a possibility? Of course not.

If someone intends to be polyamorous then the polite thing is to tell their present partner and the present partner can accept it or else break up, same as if your partner comes out as gay or transgender, or any number of things that might break up a relationship.

I doubt that the polyamorous community is ok with people pretending to be in monogamous relationships and then sneaking around behind their partner's back in polyamorous circles. They seem pretty "out and proud" about their preference, and open with their partners about it, and their partners seem on board with it. I similarly doubt that a gay club would be totally on board with a modern gay person getting married to a straight person and then having secret gay affairs behind their back, not nowadays when you can be gay in most civilized countries and not be lynched.

So I don't see any point in trashing polyamorous people just because you're not into it. If someone is unhappy enough in their monogamous relationship to go sleeping around with polyamorists then probably the monogamous relationship should end anyway. Consenting adults? Check. So I'll be staying out of other people's business unless I am actually aware of someone about to come to physical harm.

Vestitor:This is the attitude of people right up until their own partner (the person they thought had some commitment to their relationship) decides they are in love with other people. Then the position of cool-headed, pseudo-philosophical tolerance sours somewhat.

I don't really think people are all that monogamous. It is often social structures that creates many types of exclusive, long-term relationships. I don't specifically condemn people being promiscuous, or having multiple sources of affection.
So for the last time, it is the matter of it being dressed up in fluffy language and given an official name and a little movement to go with it. It's a sham.

You're wrong.

And it is especially frustrating because a few minutes of Googling will reveal that polyamorous relationships are often exclusive, albeit exclusive between more than a pair of people. You'll find that they can be open and that has its own challenges. You'll find out that the movement is not just about dressing things up in fluffy language (bringing the grand total of such movements to 0) so much as providing the tools to have healthy, happen, fulfilling relationships. You'll find they spend a good deal of energy trying to explain that 1) many of the perceptions you, yes you, Vestitor, have about poly relationships are wrong and 2) many of the perceptions you, yes you, Vestitor, have about poly relationships do happen in unhealthy poly relationships. In particular, you will learn that the cuckhold fetish is not a strictly poly phenomenon, though there are resources for that as well if that's what you're interested in. You'll find out people find it affirming in societies which push monogamy to have an identity and community which to share resources, experiences and, yes, sometimes partners.

So yes, I do hope that is the last time you call polyamory a sham.

erinja:I am wholly confused.

My partner could turn out to be gay and leave me for a man. He could fall in love with another woman and leave me for a woman. Does that mean I should go bashing gays (or women?) because this is a possibility? Of course not.

If someone intends to be polyamorous then the polite thing is to tell their present partner and the present partner can accept it or else break up, same as if your partner comes out as gay or transgender, or any number of things that might break up a relationship.

I doubt that the polyamorous community is ok with people pretending to be in monogamous relationships and then sneaking around behind their partner's back in polyamorous circles. They seem pretty "out and proud" about their preference, and open with their partners about it, and their partners seem on board with it. I similarly doubt that a gay club would be totally on board with a modern gay person getting married to a straight person and then having secret gay affairs behind their back, not nowadays when you can be gay in most civilized countries and not be lynched.

So I don't see any point in trashing polyamorous people just because you're not into it. If someone is unhappy enough in their monogamous relationship to go sleeping around with polyamorists then probably the monogamous relationship should end anyway. Consenting adults? Check. So I'll be staying out of other people's business unless I am actually aware of someone about to come to physical harm.

^^^^^^^^ this ^^^^^^^^^

Dankegon.

Moosader:
If Doĉjo decides to break up with me, for ANY reason, that's his decision, man. I've been through plenty of breakups. I've broken up with plenty of people. That's life. I'm not going to start hating on people who may potentially (but very unlikely) try to "steal" somebody away from me. Because it isn't stealing. Because they aren't my property.

It seems like you're just using a demographic of people as a scapegoat for the insecurity you feel in your own relationship.

That's not 'just life' it's relationship anarchy.

You seem to think I must be in a troubled relationship and am thus using this issue because my girlfriend has fallen in love with someone and run off, but you're mistaken. In any case, that would just be ordinary infidelity, or at the least capriciousness. It's not that I think people are property at all.

I don't quite know why people with a sexual behaviour aberration think they speak as the last authority for everything other than what they call "vanilla".

rikforto:

You're wrong.

And it is especially frustrating because a few minutes of Googling will reveal that polyamorous relationships are often exclusive, albeit exclusive between more than a pair of people. You'll find that they can be open and that has its own challenges. You'll find out that the movement is not just about dressing things up in fluffy language (bringing the grand total of such movements to 0) so much as providing the tools to have healthy, happen, fulfilling relationships. You'll find they spend a good deal of energy trying to explain that 1) many of the perceptions you, yes you, Vestitor, have about poly relationships are wrong and 2) many of the perceptions you, yes you, Vestitor, have about poly relationships do happen in unhealthy poly relationships. In particular, you will learn that the cuckhold fetish is not a strictly poly phenomenon, though there are resources for that as well if that's what you're interested in. You'll find out people find it affirming in societies which push monogamy to have an identity and community which to share resources, experiences and, yes, sometimes partners.

So yes, I do hope that is the last time you call polyamory a sham.

It's a sham. Wanting to have sex with multiple partners is real, but the premise of polyamory as presented is a sham. It's obvious that longer-term set-ups make it easier to get what you want. It's a bit like how groups of friends so often end up in relationships when there is more outside the group. I'm sure someone has dreamt up a name for that too.

I don't believe that I need to learn anything from you (yes, you Rikforto). I can form my own view on this perfectly well thank you very much.

erinja:I am wholly confused.

My partner could turn out to be gay and leave me for a man. He could fall in love with another woman and leave me for a woman. Does that mean I should go bashing gays (or women?) because this is a possibility? Of course not.

Will you please not apply that tiresome word "bashing" to me? I'm not trying to police what people eventually do, I'm remarking about the tendency of people to make up little names and pseudo-philosophies to put a gloss on the fickle nature of normal sexual behaviour...probably to offset a perceived moral judgement.

erinja:So I don't see any point in trashing polyamorous people just because you're not into it. If someone is unhappy enough in their monogamous relationship to go sleeping around with polyamorists then probably the monogamous relationship should end anyway. Consenting adults? Check. So I'll be staying out of other people's business unless I am actually aware of someone about to come to physical harm.

I don;t trash what they do, I'm trashing the cloud of pretension around it. Don't be confused about it. Even things done by 'consenting adults' can be critiqued. No-one is suggesting they should be lynched...well I'm not anyway.

Vestitor:I don;t trash what they do, I'm trashing the cloud of pretension around it. Don't be confused about it.

Dunno. Is it pretentious to put a name to what you do? Polyamory is not really the same thing as going around sleeping with any old person. And the name isn't about justifying it or making it pretentious or acceptable. Or is it pretentious simply for a person to say that this word describes them? It just describes what it is. And fortunately, you don't have to do it if you don't want to.

Is it pretentious to put a name on polygamy or monogamy? Cohabitation? Our world has a vocabulary. If you aren't involved in a thing you probably don't need the vocabulary. I call myself a Modern Orthodox Jew. Is that just a pretentious way of saying religiously observant but also having a normal job and non-Jewish friends? It probably doesn't matter to you, but to people with some involvement in the Jewish community, my cloud of pretension is a helpful shorthand for my level of religious practice and the extent to which I engage in the secular world.

Even things done by 'consenting adults' can be critiqued. No-one is suggesting they should be lynched...well I'm not anyway.

Very true. But why bother? It's rather like posting on a forum where someone says they like attending Star Trek conventions, to respond that you don't care for Star Trek at all and the conventions are a huge waste. Why waste your breath on something someone else is choosing to do with their life?

Fair enough. It's best I just say nothing about it.