Hello all,

I'm new to this site, to this forum, and to Esperanto. I am a composer and have been commissioned to write a choral piece. I would like to translate the text (my own) into Esperanto to use in the piece. Being brand new to the language, and being that the commission is due in less than a month, I was hoping to get a little help with the translation. If this is the wrong forum for this question, accept my apologies. I'll include my "translation" and the original text. Any help or advise is appreciated!

"Seven Words, Seven Worlds"

Seven faces stare from your heart-space. Look intently -- they become one.

Seven Mountains, each one in turn becomes your step-stool.

Seven trees stand on the mountain top. They are salvation.

Seven words, hung symmetrically, balance on time and tongue.

Seven worlds circle the sun, filled with devotion.

Seven stars silently outline reality.

Seven formations, wordless, faceless, treeless, worldless, starless, mountainless. Seventh-time; the other side is empty.

TRANSLATION

Sep vizaĝoj okulumi del cia koro-spacon. Rigardi grave -- ili fariĝas unu.

Sep Montoj, ĉiu en turno fariĝas (iĝas) cia tabureto.

Sep Arboj (ili) staras en la monton. Ili estas savo.

Sep vortoj, simetrie pendi, balanciĝas en tempo kaj lango.

Sep Mondoj turniĝas la suno, sata kun sindonemo.
*or*
Sep Mondoj iras ĉirkaŭ la suno, sata kun sindonemo.

Sep steloj silente konturas realeco.

Sep formiĝoj, sen montoj, sen steloj, sen vizaĝoj, sen arboj, sen vortoj, sen mondoj. Sepono-tempo; la alia partio estas malplena.

Again, many thanks for any help you can provide.

Best,

- Scott

The phrase 'en la monton' in the line "Sep Arboj (ili) staras en la monton. Ili estas savo." might be better as 'sur la monton', because your original has 'on the mountain top. 'In turn' is an idiom, so a phrase other than 'en turno' might do well (though I don't know what phrase would be good. Best guess: Unu malantaux la alia).

My suggestions follow. They are more on the side of clarity than of poetry, so you might want to play with them a little to make them less 'mundane'...

scacinto:"Seven Words, Seven Worlds"

Sep vortoj, sep mondoj

Seven faces stare from your heart-space. Look intently -- they become one.

Sep vizaĝoj rigardadas de via korspaco. Atente observu: ili fariĝas unu (unuiĝas).

("okulumi" is, to me, closer to 'to glare' or 'to peep').

Seven Mountains, each one in turn becomes your step-stool.

Sep montoj; ĉiu siavice fariĝas via piedbenketo (or skabelo)

(This is the first time I see the word 'step-stool' and I hope I got its meaning right).

Seven trees stand on the mountain top. They are salvation.

Sep arboj staras sur la montopinto. Ili estas la savo.

Seven words, hung symmetrically, balance on time and tongue.

Sep vortoj, simetrie penditaj, sur tempo kaj lango ekvilibras.

Seven worlds circle the sun, filled with devotion.

Sep mondoj la sunon orbitas, plena(j) je devoto.

(Is the sun filled with devotion, or are the stars? Use the 'j' accordingly).

Seven stars silently outline reality.

Sep steloj silente realecon konturas.

Seven formations, wordless, faceless, treeless, worldless, starless, mountainless. Seventh-time; the other side is empty.

Sep formiĝoj, senvortaj, senvizaĝaj, senarbaj, senmondaj, senstelaj, senmontaj. Sepeca tempo (sepa fojo); la alia flanko estas malplena.

(is that "time" as in "there's still time to go", or as in "The first time I didn't notice that"? Pick the alternative translation in case it's the latter).

Hope this helps.

Thank you both very much for your replies. MNLG, your response was thorough and helpful - thank you for taking the time to go through all of the text. I will examine your suggestions with care.

All the best,

- Scott