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Correct me!

de philodice, 26 de agosto de 2010

Aportes: 16

Idioma: English

philodice (Mostrar perfil) 26 de agosto de 2010 00:14:43

I am brave. Here is a sample of a poem I wrote,
translated to Esperanto. I am terrible at Eo, having
only weeks of experience in the language and never moving
far from the tradukilo. Yes, criticise me. Tell me what
doesn't work and where I went wrong. Let us debate in
a fun way about the best ways to fix my errors, and different
ways to state my poetic sentiments. It is good for my practice.

I am not afraid to look silly, insane, or weird.
ex: I dressed as an insane person to phx comicon 2010.

Mi afekciitas la sona pro mian senkulpecon.
Malkonscias la sona afekciitas min.
Konsumas min, korpo kaj animo,
dum mi falas, lumade meteorojn vostojn
malsupre al mondo.

I touched the sun, through my innocence,
I was unaware the sun touched me.
Consumed me, body and soul,
while I fell, trailing comet tails
down towards the earth.

Pk_JoA (Mostrar perfil) 26 de agosto de 2010 00:30:52

philodice:I am brave. Here is a sample of a poem I wrote,
translated to Esperanto. I am terrible at Eo, having
only weeks of experience in the language and never moving
far from the tradukilo. Yes, criticise me. Tell me what
doesn't work and where I went wrong. Let us debate in
a fun way about the best ways to fix my errors, and different
ways to state my poetic sentiments. It is good for my practice.

I am not afraid to look silly, insane, or weird.
ex: I dressed as an insane person to phx comicon 2010.

Mi afekciitas la sona pro mian senkulpecon.
Malkonscias la sona afekciitas min.
Konsumas min, korpo kaj animo,
dum mi falas, lumade meteorojn vostojn
malsupre al mondo.

I touched the sun, through my innocence,
I was unaware the sun touched me.
Consumed me, body and soul,
while I fell, trailing comet tails
down towards the earth.
Jen mia versio el ĝi ridulo.gif

Mi tuŝis sunon, per mia senkulpeco.
Malkonscie, la suno tûsis min.
Konsumas min, korpe kaj anime,
dum mi falis, mi sekvis meteorojn vostojn
malsupre al mondo.

Ĉi tiu tradukaĵo estas tre laûvorta, do, mi ne scias se mi bone tradukis ĝin... sed vi diros al mi se ĝi estas bona aû ne!

philodice (Mostrar perfil) 26 de agosto de 2010 01:58:51

Pk_JoA:

Mi tuŝis sunon, per mia senkulpeco.
Malkonscie, la suno tûsis min.
Konsumas min, korpe kaj anime,
dum mi falis, mi sekvis meteorojn vostojn
malsupre al mondo.

Ĉi tiu tradukaĵo estas tre laûvorta, do, mi ne scias se mi bone tradukis ĝin... sed vi diros al mi se ĝi estas bona aû ne!
Wow, your version does look better. I like it. Mi sxatas gxin!
And I wasn't all that far off on the grammar for an eklernino.

philodice (Mostrar perfil) 26 de agosto de 2010 03:11:47

Mi ŝtelis la fajron.
la fajro ŝtelis min

Nenio sur la Tero
gustoj kiel la suno.
En mia mondo nenio
emas la sunon.

Mi vivas malvarman
kun nenio rest bruli.
Mia koro, mia radilumo.
Irinta.

Now this part I used an online translator to help with more than one word at a time. What is your opinion on online translators of Eo phrases?

I stole the fire. The fire stole me.
The fire stole me. I stole the fire.
Nothing on earth
Tastes like the sun.
In my world nothing
feels like the sun.

I live cold with nothing
left to burn.
My heart, my radiance. Gone.

Do you think these copy/paste phrase engines help, or do they make some of the sentences odd? Do you think they make learning difficult when it is too easy to use a crutch like I just did?

Is it wrong to use them, when Eo is so easy to learn if the effort is put forth?

JBen (Mostrar perfil) 26 de agosto de 2010 03:27:49

The translation is pretty, but it doesn't quite capture what you were trying to say. His translation back into English would be:

I touched the sun by way of my innocence.
Unknowingly, the sun touched me.
It consumes me, body and soul, while I fell, I followed meteor tails downward to the earth.

While still very pretty, it doesn't say exactly what you meant, in my opinion.

Here is my version:

Mi tusxis la sunon, pro mia senkulpeco,
Malkonscia, ke la suno retusxis min.
Konsumis min, korpe kaj anime,
Dum mi falis, trenante kometvostoj
Malsupren alterigxe.

JBen (Mostrar perfil) 26 de agosto de 2010 03:38:54

Your next poem is pretty well translated, it's just not grammatically correct.

Here's my stab at it:

Mi ŝtelis la fajron.
La fajro ŝtelis min.

Nenio sur la Tero
gustas simile, kiel la suno.
En mia mondo nenio
sentas simile, kiel la suno.

Mi vivas malvarme,
kun neniu restajxo, por bruli.
Mia koro, mia radlumo.
Irinte.

Roberto12 (Mostrar perfil) 26 de agosto de 2010 08:31:15

philodice:I am not afraid to look silly, insane, or weird.
ex: I dressed as an insane person to phx comicon 2010.
Quote of the week! rideto.gif

(It's a good attitude.)

Miland (Mostrar perfil) 26 de agosto de 2010 11:44:44

philodice:What is your opinion on online translators of Eo phrases?
It may be a tempting shortcut, but I suggest that you learn the language and use it directly, regarding online translators only as a last resort.

philodice (Mostrar perfil) 26 de agosto de 2010 13:17:16

Roberto12:
philodice:I am not afraid to look silly, insane, or weird.
ex: I dressed as an insane person to phx comicon 2010.
Quote of the week! rideto.gif

(It's a good attitude.)
The pictures of me with bags under my eyes, hair in my face, wearing blue pajamas and fuzzy slippers have all been destroyed.

At one point, security was following me around and I heard one say, "Is somebody watching her?" And another said, "I don't know what I'll do if she starts something..."

The translator is something of an experiment. I thought it might not be right. Delicate shades of meaning can be lost without the proper words, even if the word might be 'close enough' it could change the tenor of the poem. (pro mia senkulpeco,) I used Pro, another used Per, then another used Pro. Here, I think pro is the best word.

The poem is about Prometheus stealing Odin's fire from the sun.
Here is the last part.

Por unu raporto momento mi prenis
mian lokon inter la steloj.
Mia arda cindro skorio
al nenio sur la tero.
La ŝtel fajro brul.
Stellumo de la Ĉielo.
La ŝtel fajro brul.
Stellumo de la Ĉielo.
Fragmentoj de la suno.
En mia memoro,
ili ankoraŭ bruli min.

For one brief moment
I took my place among the stars.
My ember slagged to
nothing on the earth.
The stolen fire burns.
Starlight from heaven.
Fragments of the sun.
In my memory, they still burn me.

I used a dictionary to help with words I didn't know.

JBen (Mostrar perfil) 26 de agosto de 2010 21:44:41

philodice:The translator is something of an experiment. I thought it might not be right. Delicate shades of meaning can be lost without the proper words, even if the word might be 'close enough' it could change the tenor of the poem. (pro mia senkulpeco,) I used Pro, another used Per, then another used Pro. Here, I think pro is the best word.
Per and Pro are a little tricky for me, also. To me, "per" means: "by way of", or "using the following tool, device, or method". "Pro" means: "because of", or "The former was caused by the latter". In your other poem part, "per" would mean "I was able to touch the sun because I was innocent" or "Using my innocence, I touched the sun". I didn't think that's what you meant to say. What I thought you meant was that because you were innocent, you touched the sun without realizing that the sun would burn you. In that case, "pro" is what you want. A literal translation of my attempt would be: "Because of my innoncence, I didn't know that the sun would touch me back."

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