Missatges: 21
Llengua: English
Evildela (Mostra el perfil) 18 de setembre de 2010 5.23.36
For instance, I prefer her:
"Amy removed her protective mask and breathed cautiously in the clean forest air."
to your:
"Amy removed her protective mask. She cautiously breathed the clean forest air."
Her text melds together, and flows nicely forcing the reader to follow the text. Yours however stops them in their tracks, giving the reader the opportunity to place the book down, never a good thing when your trying to sell books =P
Tio ĉi estas ankaŭ mia forumo angla, do eble ĝi estas ankaŭ malboneta.
ceigered (Mostra el perfil) 18 de setembre de 2010 16.06.51
Of course, I'm the type who can only read a good long text if it's non-fiction and introduces and teaches exciting new concepts or extrapolates on them in a fairly quick-no-nonsense fashion (like an encyclopedia), so Genjix's writing is something I feel a lot more comfortable with and generally prefer. But I'm definitely not Philodice's target audience no doubt
. Unless her work gets adapted to manga or anime 
(or encyclopedic/information brochure format! 
)I think that word choice seems to be Philodice's main question, and that her writing style is good as is for what she's doing so she's not fussed about that.
erinja (Mostra el perfil) 19 de setembre de 2010 3.02.05
philodice (Mostra el perfil) 20 de setembre de 2010 0.00.06
erinja:This forum is probably not the place to offer suggestions for edits to Philodice's English text. That kind of information would probably be best sent to her as a private message.I do thank you for the attention, however, that is correct. The topic did get hijacked a bit. I posted the link just in case somebody felt like checking it out. I'm not trying to sell anything or get any free tips here.
It is very true that the style is poetically based. Yes, I did it on purpose. My fans say that it helps them become immersed in the feelings that my characters are experiencing. This story does have a plot, but the main goal is the way I wanted people to feel while reading it.
At first the fairies spoke french as the alternate language. I wanted something more otherwordly, so thankyou for help with the Esperanto. I love it!
ceigered (Mostra el perfil) 20 de setembre de 2010 6.28.36
. philodice (Mostra el perfil) 20 de setembre de 2010 14.37.24
I believe that there is so much knowledge in the world, so many stories that have been forgotten or overlooked, even underused (like Esperanto) that when I was thinking about how I wanted to write I decided to only use real places, real cities, real rivers and forests. In places, I use the real speed limits. For example, I don't have people zooming down curvy mountain roads at 95 miles per hour. That isn't physically possible.
This is where Esperanto comes in. In the spirit of educating my readers that the real world is, in fact, interesting enough to learn about, I did not want to be the creator of yet another fiction language.
I wanted as much of the story to be 'real' as possible, so that's how it happened.
philodice (Mostra el perfil) 11 de desembre de 2010 2.19.57
"Undine Heart" can be bought online. Thanks for the help, Miaj Amikoj.
ceigered (Mostra el perfil) 11 de desembre de 2010 11.33.23
philodice:Great news, the book is published, Esperanto phrases and all.Gratulegojn! Is this it? (I do love borders - "free instant delivery for ebook format"
"Undine Heart" can be bought online. Thanks for the help, Miaj Amikoj.
)Sounds interesting, with elements of the little mermaid cum romeo+juliet cum the parts of twilight that don't make one desire autoannihilation.
If that's not yours then...
philodice (Mostra el perfil) 11 de desembre de 2010 14.03.08
ceigered:LoLphilodice:Great news, the book is published, Esperanto phrases and all.Gratulegojn! Is this it? (I do love borders - "free instant delivery for ebook format"
"Undine Heart" can be bought online. Thanks for the help, Miaj Amikoj.
Sounds interesting, with elements of the little mermaid cum romeo+juliet cum the parts of twilight that don't make one desire autoannihilation.
If that's not yours then...Oh well, there's a good idea you can steal.
Yes that is my book. It will be the first in a series that features my EO speaking sea people.
I will have more phrases to ask about, that I am not sure if I used the right words.
For example: A nurse dressing a little boy.
"Take off your pants." "Depren via pantalono." Or "Depren viaj pantalonoj."
Put your clothes on. Met viaj vestoj sur.
Or Put these clothes on... Met ĉi tiuj vestoj sur.
this
Is the book I wrote to get Twilight out of my brain. It involves evil vampire ex lovers and a duel to the death, Bollywood style musical dance action and a race across several countries in order to find the mysterious girl of Arjun Kumar's dreams.
erinja (Mostra el perfil) 11 de desembre de 2010 15.55.51
Take off your pants = forprenu vian pantalonon.
(pants is a 'fake plural' word in English; in Esperanto we only say 'pantalonoj' if we mean more than one pair of pants)
Put your clothes on - Almetu viajn vestaĵojn.
Put these clothes on - Almetu ĉi tiujn vestaĵojn.
You can also go with a simple "Vestiĝu" (Get dressed.) or "Vestiĝu per ĉi tiuj vestaĵoj" (Get dressed in this clothing)