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Help! Is this text right?

ya ignacioredard, 27 Julai 2009

Ujumbe: 12

Lugha: English

ignacioredard (Wasifu wa mtumiaji) 27 Julai 2009 8:46:55 alasiri

Hello everyone. I'm very interested in Esperanto and have been a member of the page for a while.

However, I am still not terribly sure about my Esperanto skills and therefore a bit unsure about a text I'm thinking about including as lyrics in an album I'm recording with my band.

Would anybody be oh so kind as to point out the (probably many) mistakes in the following text?

"
La ŝelo putri si, mi flaro ĝi
Ĉiu eraro avertas pri Ĉio al resto

Interne estas io ke ne estas prudenta protekti
Ĉar malaperas kiam estas liberinta.

Mian ujo estas ludanta eliri, vi vidas
Mian ŝelo estas fiaskanta ĝia tasko, ĉu ne?
"

I'd love to be more profficient in Esperanto before actually going through with this, but for this record it's kind of now or never, and I'd really really like it to be now, he he.

Thanks so much, in advance!

Ignacio

mnlg (Wasifu wa mtumiaji) 27 Julai 2009 9:21:04 alasiri

There are a few mistakes indeed, but it would help if you could provide the original text as well.

So far what I can point out is:
Interne estas io ke ne estas prudenta protekti
Interne estas io kion ne estas prudente protekti.
Ĉar malaperas kiam estas liberinta.
Ĉar ĝi malaperas kiam ĝi liberiĝas.

For the other two parts I would need to read the original text.

If you have doubts about my corrections, just let me know.

ignacioredard (Wasifu wa mtumiaji) 27 Julai 2009 9:37:17 alasiri

The idea of the original text was something along these lines,

"
The shell is rotting, I can smell it.
Every error informs the rest about everything"

Inside, there is something that is not worth protecting,
because it dies when it is freed

My vessel is letting me out, you can see.
My shell is failing at its job, isn't it?

"

Thanks so much!

mnlg (Wasifu wa mtumiaji) 27 Julai 2009 9:55:26 alasiri

ignacioredard:The shell is rotting, I can smell it.
La ŝelo putras, tio flareblas.
(or "mi povas flari ĝin"/"mi povas flari tion", but I believe this would run too long for your verse. "mi povas flari ĝin" = I can smell my shell. "mi povas flari tion" = I can smell the rotting of my shell)
Every error informs the rest about everything
What does "the rest" here mean? (1) The rest of the people? (2) The rest of the object that is suffering errors?

Ĉiu eraro informas la aliajn pri ĉio (1)
Ĉiu eraro informas la ceteron pri ĉio (2)
Inside, there is something that is not worth protecting,
because it dies when it is freed
I guessed this one right, it seems ridulo.gif
My vessel is letting me out, you can see.
My shell is failing at its job, isn't it?
Mia ujo lasas min eliri, kiel vi vidas
Mia ŝelo malsukcesas je sia celo, ĉu ne?

You can use "tasko" for "celo" in the last line.

This is my interpretation; other users might have different (and quite probably better) ideas.

ignacioredard (Wasifu wa mtumiaji) 27 Julai 2009 10:34:25 alasiri

You are the beeeest!!!!

Thank you sooo much!

A hug from Chile ridego.gif

ignacioredard (Wasifu wa mtumiaji) 27 Julai 2009 10:41:15 alasiri

pleeease tell me, is there any way (name, nickname) you would like to be credited in the album? It's not any huge band, but still, it's worth asking.

mnlg (Wasifu wa mtumiaji) 27 Julai 2009 10:47:30 alasiri

"A special thank you to that particularly nice guy on that particular Esperanto forum" will do. ridulo.gif

ignacioredard (Wasifu wa mtumiaji) 27 Julai 2009 11:00:30 alasiri

Done ridego.gif

Thank you again =D

andogigi (Wasifu wa mtumiaji) 27 Julai 2009 11:23:23 alasiri

What's the name of the band/album? When's it gonna be released? What label?

ceigered (Wasifu wa mtumiaji) 28 Julai 2009 12:05:51 alasiri

mnlg:"A special thank you to that particularly nice guy on that particular Esperanto forum" will do. ridulo.gif
You're humility brings a giant smile on my face - and reminds me I still have to reply to that message of yours rido.gif

@ ignacioredard:
All the best wishes for your band's success!

Kurudi juu