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Translation competition (2)

de sudanglo, 11 de junho de 2011

Mensagens: 34

Idioma: English

sudanglo (Mostrar o perfil) 11 de junho de 2011 09:10:19

This time I have taken a passage from the Hound of the Baskervilles, or more exactly, not having the English original to hand, I have created a passage based on the French translation.

It didn't seem likely that she would have dared to tell me that she had been to Baskerville Hall, if she hadn't actually gone there.

She would have had to taken a gig (kabrioleto) there, and would not have got back to Coombe Tracey until the early morning. Such an excursion would not have gone un-noticed.

Please don't refer to Auld's translation. Have Fun!

ceigered (Mostrar o perfil) 11 de junho de 2011 10:29:07

VERSION 1
Ŝi ne ŝajnis sufiĉe kuraĝa ke ŝi dirus al mi ke ŝi estis ĉe la halo de Baskerville, se ŝi fakte ne iris tien.

Ŝi havus kabrioleton tie, kaj, pro tio, ŝi ne revenus al Coombe Tracey antaŭ mateno (or ĝis mateno). Tia ekskurso ja estas perceptebla.

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I didn't really stick to the script much, and I purposefully reworded "Ne ŝajnis vere ke ŝi kuraĝis sufiĉe" to "Ŝi ne ŝajnis sufiĉe kuraĝa" to avoid some "ke"s.

I think that makes "ŝi" look like she's visibly timid, rather than the situation making it seem unlikely that she'd tell a lie, but I really didn't like having so many "ke"s together okulumo.gif

I also felt the "ŝi" part repeating a lot. Perhaps it's just that I'm learning two languages at university which skip pronouns and other redundant details so happily.

Perhaps a "-intus" could make things a bit smoother.
Thus:
"Ne ŝajnis vere ke ŝi povintus sufiĉe kuraĝe diri al mi ke ŝi estis ĉe la halo de Baskerville, se ŝi fakte ne iris tien".

Or just a "povus", but then it could give the impression that she still can't couragesouly say that she was there, but then again, since that's not explicitly stated anywhere, I'm guessing that's an ungrounded fear of mine rather than reality.

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So maybe (VERSION 2):

Ne ŝajnis vere ke ŝi povus sufiĉe kuraĝe diri al mi ke ŝi estis ĉe la halo de Baskerville, se ŝi fakte ne iris tien

Ŝi havus kabrioleton tie, kaj, pro tio, ŝi ne revenus al Coombe Tracey antaŭ mateno (or ĝis mateno). Tia ekskurso ja estas perceptebla.

3rdblade (Mostrar o perfil) 13 de junho de 2011 00:04:21

Mi ne kredis ke, ŝi aŭdacus diri al mi ke ŝi iris al Baskerville-Halo, se ŝi ne vere iris tien.

Ŝi certe estus veturinta tien per kabrioleto, kaj ne reirus al Coombe Tracey ĝis la frumateno. Tia ekskurso ne estus nerimarkita.

Miland (Mostrar o perfil) 13 de junho de 2011 08:46:27

Here's one attempt. I decided to have fun by trying to make it more concise than the original.

Verŝajne ŝi ne aŭdacus mensogi al mi, ke ŝi vizitis Halon Baskervil.

Ŝi bezonus kabrioleton, kaj ne povus reveni al Coombe Tracy ĝis la frua mateno. Oni nepre rimarkus tian ekskurson.

sudanglo (Mostrar o perfil) 13 de junho de 2011 09:58:45

As you will all have noticed, this passage is largely an exercise in tense manipulation.

You could debate whether the idea of 'seem unlikely' should be rendered with 'kredi' or 'ne-verŝajno' or 'malprobablo'.

Also 'dare' could be translated with 'aŭdaci', kuraĝi or 'riski'. Further, the idea of 'had to' could be dealt with 'bezoni', 'devi', 'necesi' or 'certeco'.

The French version of the text is full of complex forms of the verb, as is the English.

Il n'était pas vraisemblable qu'elle osât dire qu'elle n'avait pas été au manoir de Baskerville, si elle y était vraiment allée; en effet il aurait fallu une carriole por l'y conduire et elle n'aurait pu rentre à Coombe Tracey avant le petit matin. Une telle excursion ne serait pas restée ignorée.

sudanglo (Mostrar o perfil) 13 de junho de 2011 10:21:43

What intrigues me, is why the prospective international language, Esperanto, should have a preference for eliminating precise temporal reference from conditional forms (in particular), whereas the previous international language, French, and the current international language, English, are perfectly happy with greater precision.

Chainy (Mostrar o perfil) 13 de junho de 2011 10:40:59

sudanglo:What intrigues me, is why the prospective international language, Esperanto, should have a preference for eliminating precise temporal reference from conditional forms (in particular), whereas the previous international language, French, and the current international language, English, are perfectly happy with greater precision.
Sudanglo, with respect it surprises me that you can't get over this one. We know about the Esperanto verb system, and yes it is different to English etc. Still, it works perfectly fine, so what's the problem?

sudanglo (Mostrar o perfil) 13 de junho de 2011 10:51:45

The problem is Chainy, that the fashion for not making full use of the complex forms in Esperanto not infrequently makes texts difficult to understand.

The desire for simplicity argument, then fails.

Chainy (Mostrar o perfil) 13 de junho de 2011 10:52:57

I have to admit, though, that you did a good job finding such a text to translate! ridulo.gif

However, to be fair, I think the Esperanto text would already make the temporal aspect perfectly clear even before the start of the passage that you quote. And then it is perfectly ok to use the simple '-us' forms.

Rogir (Mostrar o perfil) 13 de junho de 2011 11:07:19

sudanglo:It didn't seem likely that she would have dared to tell me that she had been to Baskerville Hall, if she hadn't actually gone there.

She would have had to taken a gig (kabrioleto) there, and would not have got back to Coombe Tracey until the early morning. Such an excursion would not have gone un-noticed.
Ne verŝajnis, ke ŝi instigus min diri, ke ŝi iris al Baskerville Hall, se ŝi fakte ne irus tien.

Ŝi devus preni kabrioleton tien, kaj ne revenus al Coombe Tracey ĝis frumatene. Tia ekskurse estus certe rimarkita.

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